"A time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance," Ecclesiastes 3:4
1. Ages 5-18 the desire to one day be a mother begins to grow,
2. 18-30 the longing to be a mother takes over, 3. 30-38 the pain that I am less then because I am NOT develops,
4. 39-40 still pain, but joy in seeing a life ministry begin to develop through the pain. freedom?
5. 40-.... See I thought each step of this process of "motherhood" was hard. Motherhood- that is a strange word for me to use, because simply I've never experienced true motherhood. At least not how I had envisioned and desired.
I sit here 3 months after I started writing this blog, and perhaps even more confused, emotional and more raw then even Mother's Day this year itself had brought. I've wrote other blogs, a few of them, particularly Being Momma JoDee about my quest at motherhood, but this is different.
As I opened my blog this morning, I saw 1-4 written and I see the word "Freedom" at the end. I added the question mark this morning, because a period was originally was placed there. After the last week I don't feel that a period is the appropriate punctuation. See the period would signify the end to something. Where a question mark, a comma,or even a rarely used semicolon would mean there is more to the story. I explore what Freedom looks like a little more, and I change the punctuation to say its not as simple as placing a period after the word Freedom, as I would come to find out in a real way the past three months, and in particular the past week. I, also, added a #5 and now I continue the blog. In my effort to connect to my reader, and to be true to God's story written throughout my life. I bring you into my living room this morning. I ask you to grab a cup of coffee with me as we talk about the three month pause of this blog.
In the few short weeks after I had started this blog, I had began to feel some back pain that would not let up no matter what I tried, and with it I was having some severe cramping in my lower left abdomen. I would begin to communicate with my doctors and trying find comfort. Yoga stretches, heating pads, Ibuprofen and muscle rubs were happening. I began to notice a few other symptoms in my body and knew something was really wrong. It was during a doctor's appointment in mid June, that indeed it was confirmed something was "not normal, and needed additional testing". I then began a series of tests over the next 6 weeks where we found out there was "a unknown mass of noticeable size in my lower left pelvic region. Well, as you can imagine there are a lot of alarming words in that the sentence! A lot!
Six exhausting long weeks later we found ourselves sitting at the doctors office, and confirming that although this mass shows no sign of malignancy, it is moderate in size, has been growing and needs to come out. Then I hear these words from my doctor "You're 40, and don't plan on having children do you?" Followed up by "The best course of action, is to have a complete hysterectomy". A what, complete hysterectomy....that sure puts a period, where I had not placed one. No we were not planning to ever have children, but see the word Complete and Hysterectomy caused me to come back this morning and put a question mark, where I had previously put a period. The little box where I had so nicely placed that little sliver of hope-that just maybe somehow in the depths of God's box of miracles, He would make it so I gave birth to a baby.- I had hidden that little box of hope deep down in the depth of my soul and I didn't share it with anyone. It was mine to hold onto, and now my doctor was telling me I had to hand it over. Am I ready? I don't know. However, I do know there is a time for everything; and now is a time of mourning, as I hand the box over. Not to my doctor, but to the true HEALER God. I give Him even more of my soul, not crushed dreams, but more pieces that allow Him to begin to replace my question mark with His period. I know that He is the author of this story of my life.
So here we sit this morning, I will finish this blog from three months ago, with this final thought. As I look up and notice the title Mother's Day...wake me up on Monday and think about the Resurrection Story of Jesus and what Monday would have looked liked for the disciples. Monday they told people of their encounter with the Resurrected Lord. It is also the same of David in Psalm 30, and I especially love how the message version captures the emotions of David and so I simply echo:
Psalm 30:1 "I give you all the credit, God"
Psalm 30: 2 "God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together",
Then Finally, Pslam 30:11-12 "You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance: You
ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I'm about to burst with
song; I can't keep quiet about you; God,my God, I can't thank you enough."
5. 40-.... See I thought each step of this process of "motherhood" was hard. Motherhood- that is a strange word for me to use, because simply I've never experienced true motherhood. At least not how I had envisioned and desired.
I sit here 3 months after I started writing this blog, and perhaps even more confused, emotional and more raw then even Mother's Day this year itself had brought. I've wrote other blogs, a few of them, particularly Being Momma JoDee about my quest at motherhood, but this is different.
As I opened my blog this morning, I saw 1-4 written and I see the word "Freedom" at the end. I added the question mark this morning, because a period was originally was placed there. After the last week I don't feel that a period is the appropriate punctuation. See the period would signify the end to something. Where a question mark, a comma,or even a rarely used semicolon would mean there is more to the story. I explore what Freedom looks like a little more, and I change the punctuation to say its not as simple as placing a period after the word Freedom, as I would come to find out in a real way the past three months, and in particular the past week. I, also, added a #5 and now I continue the blog. In my effort to connect to my reader, and to be true to God's story written throughout my life. I bring you into my living room this morning. I ask you to grab a cup of coffee with me as we talk about the three month pause of this blog.
In the few short weeks after I had started this blog, I had began to feel some back pain that would not let up no matter what I tried, and with it I was having some severe cramping in my lower left abdomen. I would begin to communicate with my doctors and trying find comfort. Yoga stretches, heating pads, Ibuprofen and muscle rubs were happening. I began to notice a few other symptoms in my body and knew something was really wrong. It was during a doctor's appointment in mid June, that indeed it was confirmed something was "not normal, and needed additional testing". I then began a series of tests over the next 6 weeks where we found out there was "a unknown mass of noticeable size in my lower left pelvic region. Well, as you can imagine there are a lot of alarming words in that the sentence! A lot!
Six exhausting long weeks later we found ourselves sitting at the doctors office, and confirming that although this mass shows no sign of malignancy, it is moderate in size, has been growing and needs to come out. Then I hear these words from my doctor "You're 40, and don't plan on having children do you?" Followed up by "The best course of action, is to have a complete hysterectomy". A what, complete hysterectomy....that sure puts a period, where I had not placed one. No we were not planning to ever have children, but see the word Complete and Hysterectomy caused me to come back this morning and put a question mark, where I had previously put a period. The little box where I had so nicely placed that little sliver of hope-that just maybe somehow in the depths of God's box of miracles, He would make it so I gave birth to a baby.- I had hidden that little box of hope deep down in the depth of my soul and I didn't share it with anyone. It was mine to hold onto, and now my doctor was telling me I had to hand it over. Am I ready? I don't know. However, I do know there is a time for everything; and now is a time of mourning, as I hand the box over. Not to my doctor, but to the true HEALER God. I give Him even more of my soul, not crushed dreams, but more pieces that allow Him to begin to replace my question mark with His period. I know that He is the author of this story of my life.
So here we sit this morning, I will finish this blog from three months ago, with this final thought. As I look up and notice the title Mother's Day...wake me up on Monday and think about the Resurrection Story of Jesus and what Monday would have looked liked for the disciples. Monday they told people of their encounter with the Resurrected Lord. It is also the same of David in Psalm 30, and I especially love how the message version captures the emotions of David and so I simply echo:
Psalm 30:1 "I give you all the credit, God"
Psalm 30: 2 "God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together",
Then Finally, Pslam 30:11-12 "You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance: You
ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I'm about to burst with
song; I can't keep quiet about you; God,my God, I can't thank you enough."
