Fear, can we ever overcome it?

   "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear," 1 John 4:18.

    I recently watched the 2016 movie Ben-Hur and wow what a movie.  A story of how unfairness of life can change our very character but Christ through His life and death can change all that if we make the decision to let go and move forward.  There is a line from Morgan Freeman's character to the main character Judah Ben Hur at the very end as they are riding away  "Don't look back Judah, for your life is in front of you." How true a statement but one that seems so hard to do.  SHIFT OUR FOCUS from the past to the future from what has happened to the Hope of what can happen.
     A "victim of her past", damaged by what has happened to her unable to move forward in life/relationships is playing on repeat in my mind.  Sometimes it is quiet but there are times when it is so loud that I don't think I can move forward.  I have been in therapy off and on since I was 15 when I was first diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety.  I am thankful for my therapist and there is no shame in asking someone to help you reprogram your way of thinking. Especially if it isn't working. My therapist gave me a worksheet on the 9 ways we make ourselves miserable by the way we think.  Yep, I could say I "naturally" go to all of them in situations.  The result has been an all in compassing fear that is suffocating and left me with few close friends,a divorce, and not living the life I knew I could. So change had to happen and I began to really shift my focus off of me(past) and onto God (hope for the life He made us for).
  I love the verse above because fear is natural and for some of us in life it is inevitable based on life's circumstances.  However, it gives us hope that there is a perfect love that drives out all fear, wow what a promise.  So how does that happen?  I believe and have found that it is through my focus-looking at the one who gives hope.  It takes time and is one decision at a time, one day at a time. I don't know that I will ever overcome fear completely but I can choose not be OVERCOME by fear.
   I had the privileged to be part of a Women's Event at my church this past weekend and I am always amazed but what God can do when people, especially women, come together for a common goal. We live in a world where there is so much negativity and tearing down.  It was a night where  women of all ages gathered together for dessert/coffee(now something can be said about Chocolate, cheesecake and coffee offered) and listen to women share "Stories of Belonging".   There was a brief time after the women spoke to have a discussion at our tables, and it struck me how "fear" was brought up.  Fear/shyness/compassion often leaves us isolated and stuck. This is the main "why" behind my writing to somehow connect us to each other and let other women know they aren't alone in thoughts/life.  My prayer for this blog is one of encouragement  and also to help me stay Focused on that perfect love and drive out the fear that can control me.

Dieting/blogging not much difference really

     The hardest part of dieting is the first initial days.  Its starting or doing something new and then following through until becomes a habit.  The best part of when we form habits and see changes physically it helps keep us going.  We start building muscle, start losing some weight and we keep the momentum up because we have gained confidence.  I struggle with wanting to eat the right food for my body -the healthier proteins verses the carbs  that i so dearly love.  So to help me stay accountable I record my food.  The first few days I am always shocked how much cheese and bread I eat when given the choice. Its a bit of a chore to record every food in my mouth and there are times I will not eat something because I don't want to record it.  However, a week to 10 days in it starts to become less of a "chore" and more of everyday life.  I see my carbohydrates go down and my protein go up.  I get excited and it propels me further and further.  This practice can be applied to all areas of my life and is part of what I want to devote 2018 to...being intentional and moving forward in areas of my life.  I start so many blogs in my mind or even bounce them off Scott over dinner.  Then they get lost as I either say to myself I will do it when or no one wants to hear that. I have to make it a priority and be intentional. Truth is distraction often leads to procrastination.-I'll start the diet tomorrow.  I'll make the change when... However, true success comes when it isn't a diet-but becomes just a part of our life. As someone who has lost over 200 pounds at one point and recently gained close to 5O lbs back I've learned I have to stay focused on what I am putting into my body and how much energy is going out.
FOCUS-is the key to moving forward for me.  Even the Lords Prayer starts out with us Focusing on God before we ask, repent or move forward in our daily life.  It also was what Job had to do before God could restore his life and bless him.  He had to stop focusing on what was happening to Him and start focusing on Who God Is.   For me to Move Forward in my life I have to stop focusing on what is happening, my circumstances, and start focusing on Who God Is. By nature I am a dreamer-I can see the forest and picture of what God has laid on my heart coming to forition. The problem lies that when it comes to the daily grind- the recording of my food(thoughts) I don't do an adequate job.  Then I get overwhelmed and honestly then I quit for a period of time.The thought of because I failed today means I am a failure...when in reality it means I failed today- not tomorrow or the next day or a month from now.   My favorite part of writing is that it connect us and God can and will use what happens in my life to encourage others.  I am a mess-not gonna lie-but I am beautiful forgiven mess.  I just want others to feel welcomed to come and be a mess with me and be blessed.  I pray women are blessed as they see what God is doing in my everyday life in everyday circumstances.
 

Moving Forward

     For the past few years as January came I would try to find a word to focus on for that year.  2016 it was Resilience.  For 2017 my focus was TRUST- in God and in others.  As December was coming to an end I began to pray and think about my word for the coming year.  Well, after a lot of prayer and thought on the subject I actually chose the phrase Moving Forward.
    The past 4 months have been absolutely crazy and left me feeling a little stuck to be honest.  In September the decision was made for me to quit my job at Chase and focus more on my writing and ministry.   Scott, my fiance, and I had set a date to be married and now was thhe perfect time to step out.   God showed us HE was involved because the day after I turned in my notice I was offered a position with my church to go on staff.  It was exactly what I was praying for as far as only being part time and allowing me to spend time focusing on my writing.  4 days after that we found Scott back in hospital and facing the first of three surgeries and between the two of us a total of 73 days in the hospital.  We ended up canceling our original wedding date.  Let me tell you one of the biggest feeling I felt through that was stuck!  It was a feeling like I was on a hamster wheel.  I ended up with 2 hospital stays for infection and Scott ended up with a total of 5 hospital stays.  We both ended up going home with pic lines and IV antibiotics.  Scott receives his at home and I went for 30 days straight to an out patient facility for infusions.  Mine ended December 29th and we are still giving Scott his. It has been hard to concentrate on anything outside of health, doctor visits and how to get through the day.  There is always the thought that infection is back and we will end up in hospital again. However, it is time to MOVE FORWARD both in my ministry and my writing.
     As the majority of people after the Holiday Season ends begin to focus on fitness and nutrition more; I am no different.  It has a little less to do with how I ate during the holidays but more to do with how I stopped focusing on my health and fitness.  I was in the middle of training for a 1/2 marathon when I got sick and then Scott went into the hospital. It didn't take long for that to go on the back burner. So I will MOVE FORWARD in my training.  Although for now I am going to focus again on 5ks and just moving in general.  Nutritionally I just haven't been able to devote time or have much control on what goes in my mouth.  Between hospital food or eating on the go and being an emotional eater well nutrition went out the window.  So it is time to get that back in line.
  The last area where I really want to MOVE FORWARD is my relationships.  Obviously the stress of the past 4 months took a toll on Scott and we have had to really choose to move forward in our relationship. After cancelling one wedding date it was very hard for me to think about planning another.  However, I do love this man with my heart and believe God has brought us together.  So it is time to get married.  I can't live in fear that he will go back into hospital and we will have to cancel.  I also on more deeper level want to really become intentional in my relationships with others. I haven't done a great job of making time for those God has put in my life and I would like to do that.
    So as 2018 has begun, I am being brave and moving forward with the life and purpose God has for me.