Thankful

Life has been crazy the last couple of weeks. We are still preparing for some changes with my career and such. I am getting excited to see what God has in store for David and I. However, as of now it is still going very hectic and busy. That paired with this seasonal cold has left me down and at the past couple of weeks. However, as Thanksgiving was fastly approaching and company coming into town I began to be less thankful and more stressed. However, yesterday came and even though it didn't go as planned it was great. I got to thinking about how that is very much how life goes a lot of times. I sit and plan something often stressing about the details for things to change usually resulting in a better outcome. I picture God sitting there with a smile as He again chooses to bless me despite my failed attempt to control. I am thankful for many things this Thanksgiving season. I am thankful that David and I were surrounded yesterday with people we love and love us in return. I am thankful for a husband who is so supportive of me through all my dreams no matter how big or little they may be. I am thankful for a niece and mother-n-law who are amazing cooks and worked so hard to prepare a feast for a king. I am thankful for a being able to come around my brother's table all 12 of us and have a nice civilized dinner where 7 of the guests where children. I am thankful for the invitation David and I had to attend a couple dinners we weren't able to get to. My cup truly runneth over and I know I am only beginning to tap into the blessings God has for David and I. I above all am thankful for the grace that God gives me everyday that is so abounding and yet I only understand a portion of it. I am thankful to live in a country where I am free to express my beliefs openly without fear of retaliation. I am thankful for a day set aside to force me to relax enjoy and be thankful as I prepare my heart this Holiday season.

Changes are coming

This one is not about adoption necessarily but just a little note to say that some changes are in the near future for myself. Over the past few weeks I have seen God shut some doors and open a few windows. David and I have been doing a lot of praying and talking with our pastor and a couple of other people whose opinions we trust. We still haven't announced the changes to our families but be on the look out for a lot more posts from me. We are trusting God that the steps that we are taking will blessed as we are seeking to honor Him more. I am overwhelmed with excitement as I think about all that He is doing and to see what doors will continue to open.

More thoughts

I thank those who have either commented her or on facebook saying that you are remembering us in prayer or thinking about us. I appreciate that more than you know. It is one of the things I like most about being a woman and defently one of the reasons I want to do women's ministry.....I love the encouragement that women can bring each other. I know that there are other women out there who have/and are currently experiencing the same emotions as I when it comes to fertility issues and such. Last year my husband and I were blessed with finding out we were pregnant to only find out a short time later that we were not. It was by far the most emotional and most painful experience I have been through. I will never forget the joy in David's eyes as he looked down at the pregnancy test( our second for that day) and saw "pregnant". It was something we both had been wanting for a long time, and in the past 2 years we have taken a lot of tests so having two come up pregnant was a truly new and joyous occasion. We sat there in our living room and cried, praised God and dreamed about the future. Of course I had to tell my Best Friend and our moms. For all of them knew that we had been praying for that moment for a long time and they all knew the pain I felt of not having any success in previous attempts. Over the next few days it was if we were in a whirlwind as we waited to have my blood work and Dr to confirm. However, everyone that we had contacted just family and my brother who works for the lab confirmed that it really was just a formality at that point. We went online and figured about the due date and conception. We were doing what I assume any expectant parents would do. We prayed a lot and praised a lot. We then received the news that I was not pregnant. They called it a chemical miscarriage and that it may never happen again but to just keep going like we were and perhaps I will get pregnant again and this time carry the child to full term. I can also remember and not forget the pain I felt and still feel as David and I laid there and cried. Even now as I think back and relive those moments in my head I still tear up. It left me feeling like I was broken or had done something wrong. David just kept asking why? Why did we have to go through this? Why did it happen to us, and would it happen again? I still don't have any answers and perhaps I never will. However, I know that God used that to eventually bring David and I closer together. I believe now more than ever that God is Omnipotent and that He is always my rock no matter in good or bad. I also know and believe that it is just part of my story that God will use to bring others to Him.
There are still times when I find myself getting jealous or questioning when I find out that someone is expecting a child. I am genuinely happy for the person as I know the joy they must be feeling, but I also grieve a little for me and those others that I know that long to have that feeling. I trust in Psalm 139 and know that God has been there through all of this and will be there forever. He truly does hold me and all others that have gone through this. I pray that if anyone else out there has experienced the loss of a child or the loss of not being able to have a child that they know the overwhelming comfort of God. I, also, hope that you know it is okay and natural to have all sorts of different emotions. You are not alone.....God is here as well as myself and other women.

Thoughts

With this being adoption awareness month I thought I would dedicate the blogs this month to adoption and why it has become such an issue in our life. One of the closest and most emotional topics that I have dealt with and deal with is having children. Since I can remember all I wanted to do was be a wife and a mother. Children have been such an big part of my life and even David and I's life as a couple. I had this great plan that David and I would get married and have a child pretty quickly. I mean why not we are a loving couple who loves children and the Lord. It is how things are suppose to happen, Right? Well, in life it doesn't always happen that way. David and I have had trouble with fertility since we have been married and haven't been successful as of now. As a woman it leaves me with a lot of emotion which as a very emotional person leaves me very drained. As I look for comfort I have fallen in love with the story of Hannah and how she cried out very honestly to the Lord. I read through her prayer of being barren and see both the despair and the honesty that she expresses to both God and her husband. As I begin to read through 1 Samuel I can relate, find comfort and have hope in the words written so many years ago. It brings up so many emotions.....despair, shame, insecurity, jealousy, hopelessness, and loneliness to name a few. I know that I am not the only woman and that David and I are not the only couple who face this. I know personally of a few friends who have gone through this and have seen the way it has affect them and their marriages. Whenever I am going through a trial I always think two things.....1. What can I learn from this and 2. How can God use this to reach others? So I have decided that over this month since it is adoption awareness month I will blog specifically about what it is like to want children and not have any. I hope that others are uplifted through this. I ask for prayers as I begin to open up about a subject that is very painful for me.

Adoption Awareness Month

Happy Adoption Awareness Month! Adoption is very special to our family as most know my husband and three of his siblings are adopted so it holds a very special place. It is also something that David and I have talked/prayed/looked into and really feel called to do. We believe that the Lord will use us to make a home for the orphans. I am not sure in what light and I pray that we are both continually open to path of the Lord. We started actively pursing adoption about 14 months ago. However we have been talking about since before we were married both knowing individually that the Lord wanted us to one day adopt. David's love for children is one of the things that led me into him in the beginning. David being adopted himself from South Korea we always felt like we would want to also adopt from South Korea. Kind of a way to bring the process full circle. One of the stipulations for South Korea adoption is that you have to be married for three years. So on our 3rd anniversary we set off to start the process. Having moved from Missouri to Indiana we began to look into the adoption agency that we could work with. We went to seminars talked with fellow adoptive parents and set out to adopt. We were then meant with news that because of my size they would not work with us. We informed them that I have had the Lapband and was actively losing weight so would they keep us in mind. At that time it was agreed upon that we would wait until the January and then try again. Well January came and we got a letter saying they aren't accepting new couples into the program but will try again mid year. Then in June we received a letter saying they are closing the program for now. So needless to say we are another year out and really trying to pray about what door God wants us to proceed through. We both believe that there are children here in the US that need homes and would benefit from us. So we have really been trying to work actively at paying off bills so that we can pursue adoption like we would like. It is extremely expensive. I know that money is no obstacle for the Lord though. I have faith that the Lord will add to our family when the time is appropriate. It is a struggle for me though and something that I want to happen a lot. I will blog more on that later this month. For now I thank all of those who have added to their family through adoption especially my in-laws. They opened their home and their hearts to answer the call to care for the orphans and I am in turned blessed with an amazing husband who loves the Lord and me very much.