Finding comfort in a scary ride

     "Be Strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV

     I remember visiting Walt Disney World as a child about 5 years old with my family and being scared to ride Haunted Mansion.  My dad was a big man 6'5 and around 350 at the time and as most dads he said "Yod, it will be okay I'm here and we will go thru it together".  It was a hot early August summer day, so waiting in line to ride something that was not my IDEA did not seem pleasant.  Though I can't remember I can probably guarantee there was some whining and pleading for my dad to sit this one out with me.  He, of course, knew one fact that I did not-the ride is a few brief minutes of glorious air conditioning that will be a welcomed relief to the 90% humidity air we were standing in.   Anyhow, for those who haven't been on the ride let me set the stage to why this memory is forever etched in my mind.  As the ride ushers lead you onto the attraction it begins with stuffing what seems like 25 plus people into a small circular room with no escape.  To a scared 5 year old this is nothing less than terrifying, then the unspeakable happens the lights go out.  Well as any little girl would do I grab the strong hand of what I believe is my dad and hold on ever so tightly for the 5 seconds of darkness that I am sure will never end to escape..  As the lights come on I gaze up to look in the eyes of my comforting father to discover IT IS NOT MY DAD!  The panic that is already consuming me comes out in a scream and many many tears.  In the noise and confusion of the mob leaving the holding area to await the actual ride, I hear in a calm deep voice "Yod, it's okay I am here, I got you".  Followed by my daddy's hand coming along to hold me close and comfort me as we walked together to finish the scary journey. Now I don't remember the rest of the ride, or much of the rest of the day.  However, now some 35 years later I can hear and remember that moment as it forever etched in my mind.
   
     Some may have noticed that I have been quiet on here the last two months, well God has had us on a scary journey, in a mob filled no escape in sight room and darkness came.  I found myself being like that scared 5 year old searching for a calming hand, and struck overwhelmed in fear, but as I am hearing the voice of my Heavenly Daddy calling me quietly to Him as he says, "My beloved JoDee, I'm here and not going anywhere." If you haven't read the previous posts especially "Drumroll please" then God has called me into full time ministry (My grown-up Disney World) this past year.  Over the past few months especially we seem to be in line for a ride (health issues) that honestly I didn't want to go on.  The whole time God has shown me we aren't alone on this journey. Lots of people are on the same ride, and I am sure some of them just like me are scared and not sure what they will face .  Others like my dad have been on this ride, or one similar, and they know that although it is dark, and scary it doesn't overcome us and will end.  In fact, there are even some positives unique to this attraction.  God has placed people all around us to encourage us, comfort us and walk beside us, just like my brothers and parents some 35 years ago.

    So if like me you find yourself in the all consuming darkness and you are trying to reach out to whatever is in reach. Please know you are not out of God's reach. Even if the light shines to show us that we be holding the hand of someone/something that is an impostor. Sometimes in the darkness it is hard to distinguish what is the hand of God, or the hand of man.  The light always comes to display the truth.  I've been reaching the past month to find a comfort-mostly holding onto myself and my own strength.  The last week it is like the light has been switched on and the truth(God's word) has reviled that I have to anchor into.  However just like my own daddy, He was always there and more importantly I was never out of his sight.  He always knew exactly where I was and knew what was coming.   It takes listening-even in the midst of the mob that surrounds us- for the voice of our Father.

     Now, just like that room it was only the beginning of the ride, in fact, the actual ride hadn't really started.  I know that this journey is only beginning and what will come only God knows.  I am sure there will be moments that are scary and I will have to hide in the embrace of of my Dad.  However, I am comforted because I know He is holding my hand and walking with us.  Leading into the "seat of the ride" where he is sitting right between my husband and I.  If  you have rode a roller coaster with a child you know you hold on just as tight to them as they do to you.  I can picture God seated right in the middle holding onto the both of us.  There is good that will come of this ride, and it this is  only one of many rides that we will go on.  This ride(trial) doesn't define us, it is merely part of the trip.  However, it is one that I'm sure will stand out, perhaps so that when someone else finds themselves in line apprehensive and crying because the unknown is too scary-I can join them for comfort and encouragement.

Rescue-a two person action

Psalms 34:22 (NIV) "The Lord will rescue his servants; no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned."

     In working with kids I've noticed that they love the idea of superheros or rescuers.  Little girls love the idea of prince charming who wakes up sleeping beauty, or the little boy who pretends Superman is flying in to save the day.  The idea behind both thoughts remain the same- someone is hurt/in trouble and some perfect/superhuman creature comes in to rescue them from the hand of the evil one.  Is this not also what we long for as adults?  Someone/something that will save us from reality?  The pain of a disease, a broken relationship, financial ruin, we all have a created longing inside of us to be rescued.  From my observations the difference is children will admit they need rescued, but adults have a harder time showing weakness. We live in a society where we are the master of our destiny.  Where independence and strength is worshiped.  However, just like Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:10 "For when I am weak, then I am strong." is where perfect strength lies.

   So, to be completely honest, I have been working on this blog for two weeks.  Honestly!!  It's a lesson that hits home for me.  I felt like I couldn't write on it because I find myself needing rescued.  I am struggling with needing to be rescued and getting weary in the process. The world has been screaming at me to take care of life's mess myself-enough is enough. However, the word of God says that I must love the Lord with all my mind, my heart and soul. It means relinquishing control-which face it I never really had anyway.   The difficulty lies in the place we find ourselves in during the rescue.  Let us revisit those childhood moments of rescuing from above.  Sleeping beauty found herself completely overtaken by the hand of the evil one. Superman never has to rescue the strong, or able bodied.  No it is always the weak or those who are being overcome by someone/something bigger then them that need rescued, and that is what connects all of us to those stories.

     I have been trying to read a Psalm everyday and a common theme among the Psalms is struggle verses hope.  Each one is filled with this idea that life is closing in but they will remain in the Lord and have hope.  The verse referenced above states that as we take refuge in Him; he will rescue us.  Its a relationship and a promise of Love.  Its a vow just like given during a marriage ceremony that no matter what life throws at you, God who is our bridegroom, vows to rescue us and be with us.  The comfort that I am not alone as I read Psalms is the very comfort I hope this particular blog brings someone. David didn't hide his emotion or his fear but he never ended a Psalm without first pointing upward to God who is our Hope and our Salvation.   See I am not meant to save the world or myself, I am merely meant to point people to the one that does save.

Silent Saturday

     John 20:19 (NIV) "When the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jewish leaders Jesus came and stood among them and said 'Peace be with you!'".

   This is really the only indication of what we know of what that time period between Crucifixion and Resurrection was like for those that had witnessed the Crucifixion of Jesus and loved him.  This year the thought of Saturday the day of Holy week that doesn't really have a name, or a "purpose".  We recognize Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and obviously Resurrection Sunday.  However, what about Saturday, what would we name Saturday?  I think I would name it Silent Saturday and perhaps the disciples would agree with me.  The commotion of  the week was "over", Jesus had said "It is finished" and He died.  Now what?  What was all of his teachings to mean?  How would He come back or conquer death?  The tomb was sealed and he was laying in there.  The Bible is very silent about what took place on Saturday.  We know about the death and the burial, and we know what happened on the Resurrection Day; but that time in between nothing.

     One thing I know from my personal life is sometimes God is silent.  In the silence is where fear comes as we see with the verse from John.  It is also the time when we have to draw close to those truths in which we know.  I wonder what the disciples were doing in that room as they sat in fear?  I can imagine they were reliving every conversation they had with Jesus.  I imagine the fear was heavy on their hearts.  I find myself very much in the middle of a Silent Saturday.  This week has been very emotional in our house.  On Wednesday evening my husband was admitted back into the hospital.  Thursday led to a lot of emotions as we found out infection had entered his foot and we were facing a necessary surgery on Friday.  He would either have a partial foot amputation or a below the knee amputation making him a double amputee.  We didn't know for sure what the right answer was and either way it was the fourth surgery he would be having in a 6 month period.  It brought us right back to where we were last fall as he battled infection in the other foot that would lead him to a below the knee amputation in October. We signed consents for both surgeries and we mauled over what would happen the following day. Then Friday came and after talking with the surgeon agreed that he would end up removing a 1/3 of his foot.  I was able to attend the last few minutes of Good Friday service at my church after the surgery and people would encourage me with "Sunday's coming".

      We live in hope, because we know the rest of the story.  However, the disciples they didn't know the whole story.  So they weren't sitting in the room saying don't worry Sunday's coming. Now I do believe they had 'hope' that what Jesus had taught them was true and he would come again.  However, they didn't know what that meant.   I have thought about that a lot the past 24 hours.  I know that God is working all things out for our good, according to his purpose, like the Bible promises.  I have the Bible to hold onto the promises, just like the disciples had all the teachings of Jesus.  But what we don't have and what they didn't have was when it would be fulfilled.  What exactly the details were.  I know my husband and I will be okay and we will adapt.  However, right now we find ourselves sitting in a hospital in fear that infection will come and he could lose his leg.  So this year I have found great comfort that even Jesus had to spend a day in "the tomb" and the disciples spent the day in a room, all in silence.

      My favorite part of the verse from above is how Jesus greeted them when he arrived in the room. "Peace be with you", and then gives them the Holy Spirit and sends them out, according to John 20:21-23.  I am grateful to know that Sunday's coming and that this is only a temporal.  I rest in the assurance that one day we will be made whole, and my husband will enter the gates of Heaven with a new complete body as he dances before our Lord on the streets of Gold.  Yes sometimes you will have to go through a silent Saturday and we may want to cower in fear of what the world will do.  However, we must remember we were given the Holy Spirit-the one that will never leave us.  We can live in the hope of what will come.  Yes it's hard, and we may not know the steps but we know the One that directs them.  We have the Bible to go to for truth and I believe there is power in committing scripture to memory for those silent moments.  I think there is importance in the pause, the silence between Crucifixion and Resurrection. It makes us hold onto what we know to be true and have faith that Sunday's coming.

What mountains need moved?

He replied "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you. If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain. 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20 NIV

  As I was reading this passage from the gospel of Matthew, I thought how the story was one that could happen in this day, some 2000 years later.  In this instance, a gentleman went to the disciples and asked them to heal his son.  They were not able to, so he went to Jesus personally and received the healing. The disciples then went to Jesus and asked 'Why they couldn't do it'? The response was this verse from above, they had lacked faith.  What?  The disciples who were ones that were walking and doing ministry with Jesus day in and day out considered of "little faith.  How much more would the modern church then be?

    This is actually one of my favorite verses and the thought that it just takes a mustard seed of faith to move a mountain.  Faith is a topic that I absolutely love, and is essential in our life as believer.   

     Hebrews 11:6 (NIV) "and without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

   First off, the writer of Hebrews uses the word impossible- which means no other way. Faith is what God desires and requires from us.  The disciples had the power to help the man, but what they didn't have was the faith to do it.  Or perhaps more importantly doubted God could use them.  What are we doubting in our faith? Or more importantly, what are we missing out on because we don't have enough faith?  God doesn't say we need mountain size faith to move a mustard seed, in fact he says just the opposite; the faith of a mustard seed to move a mountain. I know in my life right now I feel like I am living by faith alone.  While on one instance it is the scariest place to be because it means no control over certain things-or should I say the giving up of false security. On the other hand it means a peace from having dependence on God.  It also means the ability to have those that are "watching" us right now see that God is constantly working.  Everyday we are being blessed by food from a friend, a check in the mail we didn't know was coming or even today the offer of bed for our spare bedroom.  That has all been in the last week.  Yes there are problems that I don't know the answer to and honestly bills that I don't know how they get paid. However, I know that God is constantly at work in our lives and since we made the decision to follow Him on this path of ministry we haven't drowned or been overtaken.  I was asked today if I was ready to "lose" it all and the answer is YES!

  

   Matthew 16:25(NIV) "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it."

Just today, as the mountains seem to be huge around us and we were beginning to feel closed in, we found ourselves praying that they would be moved and He would guide our steps.  What mountains are in your path?  What is an area that needs "moved"?  More importantly where are you placing your faith?  In a God who longs to rescue you? Or in false sense of security the world is throwing at your feet?

Daily Manna vs. Storehouses

Then the Lord said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough food for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions."  Exodus 16:4

     The Lord said this to Moses in response to the Israelites complaint that here they were starving in the desert but had all they wanted while slaves in Egypt.  Wow, I read this and think how much are we like the Israelites focused on our "suffering" rather than counting the blessing of being free from bondage to the world.  This was the Lord that had just freed them from Pharaoh and parted the Red Sea so they could cross to safety.  Yet, like a child, they are complaining because its hard and not what they had expected.  So many times when we turn to a life of "following God" and times when it gets hard, we hear that voice saying "It was better when______".  You can fill in the blank with whatever you want.  We all have the thing in our life we were a slave to whether money, a relationship, success, drugs/alcohol.  It doesn't matter what it is, what matters is how easily our response is to complain and focus on the problem.  We have to learn to be a community that focuses on the ONE who is in the problem solving/freedom giving business.

     Now, the second part of that verse I honestly almost left off, as it is the part we don't want to read..."in this way I will test them to see if they follow my instructions".  I personally don't like tests very much nor do i feel they are needed.  However, think about when you were in math class and took a chapter test.  You took chapter one test so the teacher knew if you were ready for chapter two and so forth. He was testing their faith to see if they were ready for the next step in life.  If they would have enough faith to take only the manna they needed for that day, it meant they had the faith to endure the journey to the promise land. They were learning daily dependence on God to meet their needs. It is just like a child learning to jump into a pool.  The first time they sit and kind of slide off into your hands. Then they stand up and want caught before they go under, eventually understanding the parent isn't going to let them drown.  God just wanted to test the Israelites faith, teaching them to have a relationship with Him in which He would provide all their needs. If God calls you to it He will get you through it!

     

      "Give us this day our daily bread".  Matthew 6:11

This same concept is one Jesus taught while instructing how we should pray.  It is a faith that leads us to a daily dependence on God. It is not because He wants to control.  It is because as in Jeremiah 29:11

     "For I know the plans I have you,"declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

     If we aren't living a faith that every day is submissive to God and yielding to His plan, then it is too easy for us to drown or fall.  As a parent you don't leave a child alone to jump into the deep end...you teach them to depend on you so to keep them safe.  You give them instructions and tests to make sure they are ready for the next steps.  God like any parent or teacher only wants to prepare us for the best life we can possibly have. It just takes surrender and the ability to let Him bless you anew every morning.  If the Israelites took too much manna it would go bad.  Does that mean God was trying to take something for them?  No, not at all. He just wants us to live by faith not by what we can control.  If they had storehouses of manna then they had no reason for God.  They didn't need a dependence on Him and they wouldn't be led by Him. God promises us an abundant life where everyday He will bless us in ways that are beyond our comprehension. However, we must follow his path.  He didn't want the Israelites to stay in the desert forever, He wanted them to keep moving forward and not get to comfortable.  For when we  become comfortable we usually camp out at that spot in life.  

     What promise land are we missing out on because we are stuck enslaved to our storehouses?  He promises you daily manna as you follow His steps.  In times when it seems like we are being tested or life was easier, remember how He taught us to pray and pray, knowing He promises manna every morning. 

Drumroll please!!

Raise the Ruth is a Christ centered ministry aimed to come along side adolescent girls and their mothers in a kind and  loving approach, as they learn where their true hope and worth lies, and they navigate through the challenges of daily life.

     Above is the mission statement for the ministry that has been developing inside of me for the past 15 years and that I am happy/anxious, and above all honored, to finally unveil to the world.  I have always loved the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" and have dedicated most of my adult life to being part of the "village" for children around me.  I remember at age 23 during a prayer time one morning feeling very called to work with women and children.  It came during a time in my life when I was working through a lot of childhood trauma that I had experienced. I was also doing a bible study over the book Purpose Driven Life and praying about my "purpose".  That morning while journaling / praying over James 1:2-4

   "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. "

   I knew that I was not alone in what I had experienced and that I could come along other women/girls and support, love and encourage them as they persevere in their faith and struggles of life. Fast forward 3 years later at age 26, I would find myself in a women's bible study over the book of Ruth.  It was the first time I had really studied Ruth and I fell in love with the book. Being a Christian woman, there are not a lot of women in the bible to study and relate to, compared to men.  I remember around the same time the movie One Night with the King came out about the Book of Esther, and I didn't really relate to the story.   Disclaimer-I am in no way discrediting or not saying that I haven't taken any lessons from Esther.  However, I just remember reading Ruth and being like-I get this woman and for the first time found a Biblical person who I felt understood me- which meant God understood me, and more importantly, could and would use me.  If I would listen to Him, and trust the process that my future could be one of great blessing, that He would use to fulfill His plan for my life.

  Over the next 10/12 years I would dabble in ministry opportunities with women and children as I lived "my life".  I got married in 2007 and for the next 9 years would dedicate almost all my energy and effort into being a mother.  See post Being Momma JoDee for the lessons that would come with that. I also would grow in my wisdom of scripture and develop more of my story.  See our story is what connects us to people and what God uses in the lives of others. Just like the story of Ruth in my life.

    Through my divorce in 2016, I learned that life is messy at times, and for some of us, it may seem like life is full of messes.  However, it can also be full of blessings.   The past year has been one of the toughest and the best ,at the same time.  I would find myself remarried to someone who is truly my life partner.  He encourages my dreams,and more importantly, helps make them a reality.  I have, since the day we met, told him I knew I was called to work with with women and children.  I also knew I was to use my personal story of abuse, lies and heartache to tell people of God's love. I knew I may have been born into a family of secrets but I was bought with a price.  God had redeemed me from any past sins done to me or by me.  I am full of grace and it is my responsibility to live out the remainder of my days glorifying Him and sharing my story.  One doesn't have to be perfect- or wait until life is perfect- to make a difference in the world for God.  Ruth was in the midst of grief herself when she came along side Naomi. Paul said in 2 Corinthians 12:10

   "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults,in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

     So, that is the background of Raise the Ruth- It is aimed at raising up the next generation of Ruths.  If I were to have an expertise or skill in this life-it is working with children.  I have spent 20 years perfecting it and learning how to do it more effectively.  In the blessing/heartache of not having any children, I have a special way in which I appreciate and see every child.  I also know in my experience with working along side mothers-children are mimicking what they see. It is important for me that the mothers learn the same concepts the girls are learning.   So this ministry is unique in the fact that it is coming from both ends of the spectrum, and unites mothers and daughters.  As adults we often complicate God and the Bible.  It is my hope that we will present a simplistic approach of biblical truths to girls, and the women in their lives will be encouraged and changed.   I love that Ruth and Naomi learned from each other and were a daughter in law/mother in law
relationship. Raise the Ruth is in the beginning stages of development but God has already opened doors.  It is by faith we accomplish anything here on earth, and we are dreaming big.  This is not about me at all-but it is really about God's impact on my life.  If even one person is impacted and God is glorified than it will have been worth it all. 

There is more to the story.

   "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" Genesis 50:20

        Since we decided to step out of the boat back in September, it has been a series of choices to keep walking. Over the last 5 months, as I have sat before God, I have read the story of Peter walking on water many times. And just like Peter, I felt like giving up.  See God never promised Peter that the waves wouldn't come-but Jesus did show Peter and the rest of the disciples, prior to that day, that He has the power to calm the waves.  God will never call us to do something for which He hasn't already prepared us. Over the past month we have been hit with some financial insecurities we weren't expecting and again it sent me to my knees asking, "why?"  Where was God...and honestly at that exact moment I looked up and saw a sign that said "Be Still and Know that I am God".  There are times when we have to stop trying to control the waves because we don't have the power to do that..  People will intend harm on our lives....it is a given.  However, God is intending/weaving it all for our good and His Glory, at the exact same time. What a sense of peace it is when God calms the waves around us.

      Another huge lesson I have learned over the last few months: Peter just didn't step out of the boat he WALKED on water.  Walked is a verb, meaning he was active.  So many times I think we step out in faith and think that is all it takes.  However it is lifestyle of constant movement where we either focus on Him and move forward, or we stop and sink.  Or even the worst case, in my opinion, is we freak out and jump back in the boat.  The world tells us we belong with them back in the boat.  Satan wants to drown us in our own fear and watch us sink....but just like Peter we can WALK toward Jesus as He picks us up out of overtaking waves.  My favorite part of that story is the last verse where it states 

    "and when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.  Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying "Truly you are the Son of God." Matthew 14:32-33

     God is constantly at work, and we have to believe, while trusting the process.  I can tell you life is hard but if we want to stay focused on God, He will calm the sea and use our life for eternal glory, and the saving of lives.  Also, I love the picture that Jesus walked back with Peter and got in the boat with him.  We are never forsaken.  So you may ask, "that's great for a story 2000 years old, but what about today"?  Good question! Let me tell you what else has happened over the last month.  The day after we heard that what income we were relying on for Scott was gone and the waves seemed to be higher than we could imagined-I cried out God save us.  I know He didn't call us out to watch us drown.  I know He has placed a calling on my heart to work with women and children.  I don't want to turn back to the boat and I don't want to drown. Well Let ME TELL YOU GOD HEARD AND PICKED US UP!  

      Literally one week later, and I am in the process of starting a ministry that is based on the book of Ruth.  It is aimed towards both the girls ages 8-13 and their moms.  I have a podcast that will be going live by the end of the month designed for both mom and girls to listen to together as they commute to school/practice/store, wherever, everyday.  We have a website registered that we are diligently working on and I have the first mother/daughter brunch scheduled for end of April!  We have vision boards up and the house and we are moving forward to answer the call on our life.  I am married to amazing project manager of a man who gives me deadlines and helps me stay focused.  In a time when honestly I can't even see the water- it's like we have jumped off a cliff I haven an undeniable peace that passes all earthly understanding and feel more alive then ever.  

What's in a name?

     "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here"

                    2 Corinthians 5:17    

     I got married over the weekend. My husband and I were having a conversation on Sunday that really got my thinking.  We were laying there and I asked him how different he felt now that we are married.  He answered not much in his mind had changed, because he was committed to me and had made that decision months ago and this just made it legal.   However there was big change that happened for me. As a woman when we get married we change our name-our identity.  I now would belong to him. 

  The week leading up to the wedding he had asked me what my Facebook name would become once married.  Now you know something is official if you go and change it on social media.  Now I had both my maiden and married name from my first marriage on Facebook.  So the dilemma arose would I just add the new last name and what would I drop.  I had kept my married name after my divorce as honestly the hassle of changing everything seemed tasking and wasn't that big of a deal at the time. However, the name still kept my attached to my ex and his family. So the day of the wedding I did indeed go in and change my name.  I dropped all names and fully took on the identity of my husband and added just my new name.

   I began thinking about how it does mean different things to be a bride verses a bridegroom.  I then thought about how we(the church) are referred to as the Bride of Christ and that when we enter into a relationship with Him we must change our old identity.  The verse in Corinthians states that we are a new creation.  Saul of Tarsus went by Saint Paul after his encounter with God. He wanted to be identified as a believer of Jesus Christ.  Just as I chose to drop any name that would identify me when any man other than my husband once married when we enter a relationship with God we must drop anything that would identify us with our past. It maybe a hassle and require some work on our behalf but what greater honor than to be identified as part of the family of God.

Fear, can we ever overcome it?

   "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear," 1 John 4:18.

    I recently watched the 2016 movie Ben-Hur and wow what a movie.  A story of how unfairness of life can change our very character but Christ through His life and death can change all that if we make the decision to let go and move forward.  There is a line from Morgan Freeman's character to the main character Judah Ben Hur at the very end as they are riding away  "Don't look back Judah, for your life is in front of you." How true a statement but one that seems so hard to do.  SHIFT OUR FOCUS from the past to the future from what has happened to the Hope of what can happen.
     A "victim of her past", damaged by what has happened to her unable to move forward in life/relationships is playing on repeat in my mind.  Sometimes it is quiet but there are times when it is so loud that I don't think I can move forward.  I have been in therapy off and on since I was 15 when I was first diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety.  I am thankful for my therapist and there is no shame in asking someone to help you reprogram your way of thinking. Especially if it isn't working. My therapist gave me a worksheet on the 9 ways we make ourselves miserable by the way we think.  Yep, I could say I "naturally" go to all of them in situations.  The result has been an all in compassing fear that is suffocating and left me with few close friends,a divorce, and not living the life I knew I could. So change had to happen and I began to really shift my focus off of me(past) and onto God (hope for the life He made us for).
  I love the verse above because fear is natural and for some of us in life it is inevitable based on life's circumstances.  However, it gives us hope that there is a perfect love that drives out all fear, wow what a promise.  So how does that happen?  I believe and have found that it is through my focus-looking at the one who gives hope.  It takes time and is one decision at a time, one day at a time. I don't know that I will ever overcome fear completely but I can choose not be OVERCOME by fear.
   I had the privileged to be part of a Women's Event at my church this past weekend and I am always amazed but what God can do when people, especially women, come together for a common goal. We live in a world where there is so much negativity and tearing down.  It was a night where  women of all ages gathered together for dessert/coffee(now something can be said about Chocolate, cheesecake and coffee offered) and listen to women share "Stories of Belonging".   There was a brief time after the women spoke to have a discussion at our tables, and it struck me how "fear" was brought up.  Fear/shyness/compassion often leaves us isolated and stuck. This is the main "why" behind my writing to somehow connect us to each other and let other women know they aren't alone in thoughts/life.  My prayer for this blog is one of encouragement  and also to help me stay Focused on that perfect love and drive out the fear that can control me.

Dieting/blogging not much difference really

     The hardest part of dieting is the first initial days.  Its starting or doing something new and then following through until becomes a habit.  The best part of when we form habits and see changes physically it helps keep us going.  We start building muscle, start losing some weight and we keep the momentum up because we have gained confidence.  I struggle with wanting to eat the right food for my body -the healthier proteins verses the carbs  that i so dearly love.  So to help me stay accountable I record my food.  The first few days I am always shocked how much cheese and bread I eat when given the choice. Its a bit of a chore to record every food in my mouth and there are times I will not eat something because I don't want to record it.  However, a week to 10 days in it starts to become less of a "chore" and more of everyday life.  I see my carbohydrates go down and my protein go up.  I get excited and it propels me further and further.  This practice can be applied to all areas of my life and is part of what I want to devote 2018 to...being intentional and moving forward in areas of my life.  I start so many blogs in my mind or even bounce them off Scott over dinner.  Then they get lost as I either say to myself I will do it when or no one wants to hear that. I have to make it a priority and be intentional. Truth is distraction often leads to procrastination.-I'll start the diet tomorrow.  I'll make the change when... However, true success comes when it isn't a diet-but becomes just a part of our life. As someone who has lost over 200 pounds at one point and recently gained close to 5O lbs back I've learned I have to stay focused on what I am putting into my body and how much energy is going out.
FOCUS-is the key to moving forward for me.  Even the Lords Prayer starts out with us Focusing on God before we ask, repent or move forward in our daily life.  It also was what Job had to do before God could restore his life and bless him.  He had to stop focusing on what was happening to Him and start focusing on Who God Is.   For me to Move Forward in my life I have to stop focusing on what is happening, my circumstances, and start focusing on Who God Is. By nature I am a dreamer-I can see the forest and picture of what God has laid on my heart coming to forition. The problem lies that when it comes to the daily grind- the recording of my food(thoughts) I don't do an adequate job.  Then I get overwhelmed and honestly then I quit for a period of time.The thought of because I failed today means I am a failure...when in reality it means I failed today- not tomorrow or the next day or a month from now.   My favorite part of writing is that it connect us and God can and will use what happens in my life to encourage others.  I am a mess-not gonna lie-but I am beautiful forgiven mess.  I just want others to feel welcomed to come and be a mess with me and be blessed.  I pray women are blessed as they see what God is doing in my everyday life in everyday circumstances.
 

Moving Forward

     For the past few years as January came I would try to find a word to focus on for that year.  2016 it was Resilience.  For 2017 my focus was TRUST- in God and in others.  As December was coming to an end I began to pray and think about my word for the coming year.  Well, after a lot of prayer and thought on the subject I actually chose the phrase Moving Forward.
    The past 4 months have been absolutely crazy and left me feeling a little stuck to be honest.  In September the decision was made for me to quit my job at Chase and focus more on my writing and ministry.   Scott, my fiance, and I had set a date to be married and now was thhe perfect time to step out.   God showed us HE was involved because the day after I turned in my notice I was offered a position with my church to go on staff.  It was exactly what I was praying for as far as only being part time and allowing me to spend time focusing on my writing.  4 days after that we found Scott back in hospital and facing the first of three surgeries and between the two of us a total of 73 days in the hospital.  We ended up canceling our original wedding date.  Let me tell you one of the biggest feeling I felt through that was stuck!  It was a feeling like I was on a hamster wheel.  I ended up with 2 hospital stays for infection and Scott ended up with a total of 5 hospital stays.  We both ended up going home with pic lines and IV antibiotics.  Scott receives his at home and I went for 30 days straight to an out patient facility for infusions.  Mine ended December 29th and we are still giving Scott his. It has been hard to concentrate on anything outside of health, doctor visits and how to get through the day.  There is always the thought that infection is back and we will end up in hospital again. However, it is time to MOVE FORWARD both in my ministry and my writing.
     As the majority of people after the Holiday Season ends begin to focus on fitness and nutrition more; I am no different.  It has a little less to do with how I ate during the holidays but more to do with how I stopped focusing on my health and fitness.  I was in the middle of training for a 1/2 marathon when I got sick and then Scott went into the hospital. It didn't take long for that to go on the back burner. So I will MOVE FORWARD in my training.  Although for now I am going to focus again on 5ks and just moving in general.  Nutritionally I just haven't been able to devote time or have much control on what goes in my mouth.  Between hospital food or eating on the go and being an emotional eater well nutrition went out the window.  So it is time to get that back in line.
  The last area where I really want to MOVE FORWARD is my relationships.  Obviously the stress of the past 4 months took a toll on Scott and we have had to really choose to move forward in our relationship. After cancelling one wedding date it was very hard for me to think about planning another.  However, I do love this man with my heart and believe God has brought us together.  So it is time to get married.  I can't live in fear that he will go back into hospital and we will have to cancel.  I also on more deeper level want to really become intentional in my relationships with others. I haven't done a great job of making time for those God has put in my life and I would like to do that.
    So as 2018 has begun, I am being brave and moving forward with the life and purpose God has for me.