Broken Wheel

So there has been a lot on my mind the past few days, and I think I can sum it up with the phrase I learned at church this past Sunday. When we have someone( or some situation) that we need to reconcile with, it makes us like a tonka truck with the wheel broken...we just don't work right. We can try to keep moving, but it something keeps us from sailing along like we should. Anyhow, this past Sunday was Youth Sunday at my church, and oh what truth is spoken from the mouth of babes. The certain truth that cut to the core of me was from a 13 year old girl who led the children's time. Here she was trying to teach young ones about reconciliation and the importance of it, and I, a 29 year old adult, was touched beyond measure. Her it is 4 days later, and it is still running through my mind. Reconciliation and how it really can continue to fester for years, even if we thought we were over it. Well, I am not I can tell. If someone even mentions reconcile, forgiveness, lost friendships, I automatically think of a few people that I need to reconcile with. I would like to take a few minutes and try to do just that. I am not for sure if any of them will read this, although I don't even know that this is for them. I believe this is a much for me, and truthfully I think this is for anyone who can get any use out of it.

For the life of me I would like to be doing anything else. I have thought about this day for a long time. The time when I would try to write some sort of apology to those I hurt 6 years ago. I know God has changed my life so much in the past 6 years, and that I am in no way the person I was then. He has made me anew and for that I am forever grateful. However, part of being made new, is replacing that wheel that is broken. All I know to do is start at the beginning and pray that those who it will touch it will touch.

Anyhow, as I have wrote about earlier, I had a very tough childhood. One of the ways that I began to cope with it all was lying. Being part of a "good christian family" with lots of secrets that is what all of us did. We played parts, we covered up, however you want to put it, but all in all we lied. I learned to do it very early on, and by the time I had graduated from HS and went to college I had become addicted to it. It was how I protected myself, and it was an escape from reality. I wanted to change I did. I would pray about it. Reading back over a lot of my journals from college it was a struggle that I wanted to end. In fact, I even went through some counseling between my freshman and sophomore year at PU to deal with it. I went through this faith based program at a local church, and thought I was making progress. However, old demons like they were I wasn't. I found myself whenever I was in any kind of pain, emotionally, physically or whatever lying about it. It was a cycle and I didn't see a way out. It ended up getting me into a lot of problems. I was put on probation for falsifying information. I was in ton of problems financially. When I look back to Sept. of 2002, and think about what was really going on, and how things got so out of hand with my lying I am ashamed. For one, I had just come back to IN earlier that summer from a job I had in CT. A job that I was in no way ready for. I was embarrassed that I had failed. Failure is another one of my fears, or reasons why I would lie. We were taught a very young age that failure was not an option. I am a very prideful person who has great difficulty in admitting I am wrong. I never want another person to look down on me, or think bad about me.

Anyhow, I had come back to IN, and was living with family. I had nothing to show for it. I had my license taken away bc of unpaid tickets. I didn't have a job, a car, any money. I had nothing, and was feeling pretty embarrassed about stuff. However, I wanted to keep up this image( it was always about portraying something I wasn't). I felt like I had to come up with legitimate reasons why my life was like this so I lied. This time it was bigger and far more worse. I lied about my health. Instead of facing reality I began to live in a fantasy where people made me feel better about myself because they thought I was seriously sick. I actually began to feel a little better, for trying to keep up with this new lie/new life made me escape the reality in which I lived. Well, a group of friends at the time confronted me about it one night. It was the last time I saw most of them. Perhaps, it will be the last time I will ever see them. I can still picture that night in my head, and it has haunted me in dreams over the years since then. I would like to say this to that group of people. I can't imagine what you all went through that night. I can't imagine the pain I have caused you. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I wish I could erase that part of my life. However, that night I honestly believed you saved my life. You set me free. I am forever thankful for what you all did.

I wish I could tell you that everything changed that night. It was another 6 months before I came to grips and started being honest about things. I ended up that next March going to a treatment center for about a week. I had once again felt overwhelmed and lied again. In that time, I saw things I will never forget, and realized that I was already half way down a road a never realized I was on. I had very few friends and family that would even talk to me. I had very few relationships that I hadn't damaged. However, I did something I had never done before. I went back to the people I had lied to and admitted what I had done. I faced the consequences and began to build my life back. For the first time I didn't run away and start over. For a few months I wore a rubber band around my wrist, a trick I had learned from group therapy from a drug abuser. I had began to treat my addiction as just that an addiction. I began seeing a therapist, and began learning what parts of my life were real, and what had been made up. Most of all, I surrounded myself with wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ who helped build me back up in Christ. I had to remove all the crap, and come before God as a vessel needing to be filled. I learned what God's word has to say about the dangers of a lying tongue. God has used my story to start touching the lives of others. I have spoken to youth groups, and small groups about my struggle.

Again, I write this not knowing who will read it, but only that it needs to be wrote. Again, I am sorry for any pain I caused people in the past with my lying. I can only say that God is good, and He is the God of second, third, fourth chances, and that we are never going to be good enough. However, His Son fills that gap and gives us hope. I can already feel him placing that wheel back on and giving me a push as I start to move for the first time in years.