Being Momma JoDee

     So many who know me know I am passionate about kids and have always longed to be a mom.  From the time I was little that was all I wanted to do...be a mom.  I started preparing for it at a young life took child development in 4H and high school.  I started babysitting at 12 like most adolescent girls.  By the time I got out into college I started nannying part time for nieces and nephews and soon learned that I had a gift and a passion.  I also had an undeniable desire to be a mother of my own.  I easily and naturally began to find myself surrounded by children of all ages.  I was youth group volunteer, after school volunteer, church camp counselor, kids church leader and spending all my free time with my nieces and nephews. As I naturally did this the desire to be a mother grew more and more to the point where truthfully it had developed into an idol.  I did all the "right" things in praying the prayer of Hannah, busying myself in the work of the Lord and waiting "not so patiently" for the man he had for me.  By age 26  I decided if I couldn't be a mom I would "play the part" and became a full-time live in nanny.  I was doing everything in my control to fulfill this desire.  At 27 I met a christian man from a good christian family who also loved kids and wanted children and got married.       We quickly started trying to have children but soon learned that it wasn't going to be an easy road.  I was determined though to do everything in my power.  After all this is what I was designed to do and I knew in my heart that I was made to be a mother.   In the meantime I turned 30 and was busy watching many of my friends have children and thought "why not me".  Why can't I be a mother?  I still surrounded myself in Children's Ministry and the lives of children around me. When Drs told us that my weight was an issue I had the lapband to help me again lose the weight and have a child.   However it still didn't happen and I was left lost, confused and very angry.  I felt somehow that I wasn't "good enough" compared to the women around me.  More importantly I was angry that desires of my heart weren't being fulfilled when I was doing everything in my power to make it happen.  Adoption, foster care, all of it David and I looked into.   I still found myself working with kids through nannying, babysitting or church.  It was a passion in my that couldn't be sniffed out.  It is and was where I feel the most alive and useful in this world.  

    In 2014 that same desire found David and I moving across the country to become houseparents for some amazing children.  I got to be Momma JoDee finally and I loved it. It was stressful, crazy and embraced some of my best gifts God has given me.  However, I still had an undeniable hunger to be a mom....have my own child that no one could ever take and be mine. We had a young woman approach us to adopt her unborn child while at the children's home and just knew that was God.  I mean He knew my heart, he heard my prayers and now was the time.  He was giving us what we always wanted.  We left the children's home(one of the hardest days of my life as I walked out a door as my "kids" cried for me to stay).  However, we were on to a new chapter one filled with gloriousness(so I thought).   We were busy preparing our new home for the upcoming home study.  We had a lawyer and we were full speed ahead on all our details.  I had control of the situate and I knew it was my time to now be a mother to this little unborn girl....we had named her Hannah of course because God had heard my every cry and prayer.  However, 3 weeks later we got the news that the birth mom had changed her mind and our girl was gone. To say I was devastated doesn't even begin to encompass the hurt I felt.  I was sad, hurt and mostly really angry.   I had done everything and yet it was taken away.  My desire to be a mother was not going to happen....yet again.  I was left with extreme anger at God because I had given this to Him and HE took it away.....but had I really ever given it to Him?  

   The 18 months since that time have been filled with lots of darkness and long nights crying out to Him. I was forced through all that to really sit at HIS feet and give over my life.  I have learned that I have no control over anyone except for myself and how I react to situations.  More importantly I have learned to TRUST God....with my desire to be a mother, and you know what I am one.  No I have not given birth but I am a mother....to many children.  Not just to one or two, but I have invested , loved, trained and prayed over many children in my 38 years.  This mommas heart is filled with joy every Sunday as I teach my 2nd graders and they run up to give me one last hug.  I love the smiles on the faces of my nieces/nephews as we laugh together and they tell me about their lives.  I get the text from one here or there asking for advice, or a recipe.  I have embraced this Momma JoDee heart that I have and I take very seriously the gift I have to work with children.  There hasn't been a child that I have watched that I haven't prayed over and shown Gods love.  See He knew exactly what He was doing and has been preparing me all along.  He has answered my prayer and HE has given me the desires of my heart.  However, I couldn't see it until  stopped being fixated on myself(my definition of what it meant to be a mother) and started looking just to HIM. Believe it or not I have an awesome Man of God in my life now and as we are planning a future together the very subject of children has come up and I honestly don't have that same desire to have a "child of my own".  No I really just want to keep nurturing the "momma JoDee" inside of me that God already has blessed me with.