Updates

Alright all, I know it has been over a month since I last blogged, and I had written that I wanted to change that right? If there is one thing I have learned in life, is that when we are about God's business, Satan shows up. He seems to get you doubting about what you know you should be doing, and I promise he makes life just busier. But enough with me blaming others, I have been the one who has been "too busy" and "too stressed" to blog. Anyhow a little catch up from the last month. Well, David and I housesat for his parents for about three weeks in July. It was fine, we were really busy so it wasn't that bad. One thing is forsure though, we will probably never have indoor dogs. I won't say definetly, but if I have any say in it then no. We also had VBS at our church which was fun, but as always exhausting. Plus, what did I go ahead and sign-up for, yet to co-direct it next year. You think I would have learned my lesson before. Oh well, I am excited, and I absolutely love VBS!
I have been to IN three times since my last blog. Once for work, once for wedding, and once for a conference. In between two of those trips we brought my 5 year old neice back to St. Louis for a week to hang out with us. It was fun, but we are not in anyway ready for a 5 year old. Being a nanny and having a 3 and 5 year old all day, and then adding an extra 5 year it was crazy. However, it was so much fun. Plus, Uncle David loves his Princess Allie. So like I said there were three trips to IN. The last of which was amazing. I had the chance to go with my sister-n-law and her family to the Women of Faith Conference. It was amazing, and even more clarifies my undying passion for women, and telling my story. I learned so much, and it was so uplifting to spend time with the wonderful women God has placed in my life. The one thing that I did realize was that I have to become really honest and open about those parts of my life which I think are too "personal". Now don't get me wrong, not everything should be out for public viewing.
What else, oh yeah, I have been to the doctor a total of 3 times the past two weeks, and have yet another appointment tomorrow, for what they thought was a possible bloodclot in my leg. Well, PRAISE GOD, it wasn't. Not forsure why the unusual and painful swelling has occured around my leg, but sure they will find out soon. I have also been speaking with my doctor about the importance of getting this weight off quickly. More about that subject in a future blog however.
So yes that is what has been going on the past 5 weeks or so. Not to mention the Holiday, a friend in crisis, and having a family member who has disappered. Geez, can I complain anymore! All I can say is 'God, please come back soon!' These are the things that make us women so unique. You ask my husband what the past 5 weeks has been, and he would probably comment 'nothing much, just work and stuff'. (FYI, this in no way will become a man bashing blogsite!) See somehow men just can't understand that we women are solving the worlds problems everyday, and David wonders why I have a hard time falling asleep at night.
Plus, for the past week I the wonderful Olympics have been on, and well that puts me out of commission from about 7-12 every night, depending on the competitions. With that being said, I must again go. Micheal Phelps will be swimming for another Gold tonight, as well as the Women's All-Around Competition. I decided to for go the Volleyball to write this little blog. Go Americans!!!

A day both like and unlike all others.

Okay this is for everyone who is keeping me honest in my quest to keep blogging. You all know who you are, sending me the little messages to keep blogging. Anyhow, here is some more insight into the crazy world of mine. Today has been one of those days, that you wonder why you woke up. It started with me awaking at 5:30 to discover that I have pink eye in both of my eyes. So not only did I have to be at work early today, but yes I have the dreaded pink eye. This is one of the many perks of being a nanny. The aliments of the children often get passed along to you. So after a week of watching the two girls, both of which had pink eye, and babysitting for a friend whose two year old also had pink eye, Miss JoDee got to share in the fun. Oh what fun it is. I did discover that I take eye drops about as well as the 3 year old I nanny for. In fact, today they both sat in the bathroom and watched Miss JoDee put on her brave face and take her drops. I somehow feel as if I am back in kindergarten and have to stay quarantined to the house. Needless to say, at nap time today everyone took a nap.
So besides not feeling well, it is the first of the month which means bill time. YUCK! It makes me even more appreciate and long for my home in Glory where rent won't be due, and the price has been paid in full. Anyhow, that is my normal first of the month gripes, nothing that is unusual to anyone else in this lovely world. I did notice on the way home that gas prices have once again rose, and yes my tank is approaching empty. So anyhow as I was on my way home playing my game of woe me my attention was soon turned to bigger issues.
I learned while listening to the radio that there is a FBI manhunt on the way in the St. Louis area for a wanted murderer. Crazy Crazy, my mind began to race as I prayed for the victims involved, and prayed for safety for myself and family. I thought wow I'm not in small town Indiana anymore. This is one aspect of big city living that I am not totally happy about. St. Louis is the 2nd most dangerous city to live in, and that is not the most comforting thoughts. I can think back to the past 6 months and can think of two different murders that have occurred close to home. In our "good part of the city" area. One in the same community as my in-laws and another just 5.4 miles away at a town meeting. All of this just awakens me to the thoughts of what I am doing to reach out to my neighbors. How am I witnessing to them? It makes me just take a little closer look inward, and realize that people live in fear like this constantly. Never knowing if themselves or their loved ones will make it home due to random violence, gang wars, war in general. God tells us to go and make disciples of all nations. I often forget that the "all nations" includes my apartment complex, my neighborhood, and my city.
Then in one last effort on God's part to get the focus off of me (which it often is). I come home to hear that dear friends of ours delivered their baby boy today almost 9 weeks early. We don't know much except that both mom and baby are okay, but lots of prayers are needed. Even now as I have the news on the background I hear a segment about premature babies. I just pray that God watches over them as this came much earlier than expected. I ask anyone who would read this to say a quick prayer for the family, and their son.
So anyhow, that is part of this wonderful day. A day that has been full of surprises all day long. A day that I am praying ends quickly as my eyes and head hurt. I just pray for tomorrow and the surprises that it will hold. I know this day is not uncommon to have in this world. For days like this make us long for Heaven. They make me realize even more that I am an alien to this world, and my true resting place belongs with my Lord.

Quick update

It has been such a busy couple of weeks, and I know that as summer has arrived it will only be getting busier. Anyhow, that is no excuse for me not keeping up with this new blog that I really want to stay committed to. However, like most things it starts out with a bang, but soon becomes something that I do occasionally. I am trying to discipline myself though to do this regularly.
Like I mentioned the past few weeks has been a whirlwind. Leaving for work as the sun in rising and coming home many nights after it has set. No I am not at work the whole time, as I do errands or what not. Anyhow, long story sort God is moving in my life and I am so excited. I have seen him open up doors in the past week that I didn't know existed. As a mentor of mine told me once, do what the Lord tells you to do even if it seems crazy or out of character. Well, I have been doing that! Really trying to step out of my comfort zone, and follow the calling of God. Can I just say He answered and has been answering in huge ways. I am so completely humbled and blessed. I know that I haven't put a lot of details into this, but I had about 5 minutes to write. I wanted to make sure that I thanked God for what is going on here in my life.

Potty Training...a lesson for her or me

Well, here at work the last few weeks I have been potty training. Oh the fun! It is times like this that I am not quite sure why God has chosen for me to work with children. Anyhow, two weeks ago we set off on this adventure. The first few days were crazy, as any mother would tell you. The paranoia of every time she sat still or quiet for more than 30 seconds we would be off running to the potty, just in case something was coming out. Only playing on the hardwood floors so not to ruin all the furniture and carpet in this house. Then my favorite, and hers, not leaving the house so that we have complete concentration and availability to our beloved toilet. Anyhow I am pleased to announce that just two weeks later she is doing an amazing job. I can't even remember the last time she has had an accident. It had to be early in the week. She is keeping her pull-up dry during naps, and even wore big girl panties to gymnastics yesterday.
There were times over the past two weeks, that I had to call on God for the extra help and patience for us both to get through this process. I kept being reminded of how Jesus said that the Kingdom of Heaven is made available to the little children. There were times I had to second guess Jesus' thought process. Then again where it is stated "At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children." I really had to ask what does this almost three year old know that I don't? I mean I have come to dislike the words "Miss JoDee" "Miss JoDee". Those words are soon followed by "Come wipe me." During those times I really must doubt how I am to become like a child.
However it didn't take long to start seeing some similarities between the two of us. We both can throw fits and tantrums. I am sure that God has noticed me yelling, crying, and beating the ground senseless when I am not in control of a situation. I am sure there are times that I have asked God to get me out of situations that I are beyond my control. I am sure that I have to often times made a mess out of life(maybe my own version of calling God from the bathroom). I, also, notice that those times when she will climb up into my lap with a book and want me to read to her. There are those treasured times when she will ask me if she can help make lunch, or help me fold the clothes. There was even a moment this past week when her and I played a very fun game of catch outside. Those were the times when I wished a was a little more like her. A little more trusting, a little more eager to sit upon the lap of God, and just listen. I wish that I was asking God for help, and if I could help Him with His work.
So, the past two weeks has been an experience and lesson for the both of us. We both hopefully have come out of it a little more grown up. A little more ready to face this world of unknowns. I just know that I am ready for to be a little more moldable, a little more childlike. I know how proud I am that she is now wearing her big girl panties, and only hope that God feels the same pride when He looks down at me.

EMOTIONS....and where they take you.

First off, I would like to thank the two very lovely ladies who commeted on my last blog. Reading your comments was a great encouragment to me.
Anyhow, I know that it has been a week since I last blogged. My doctor put me on some new medicine last week that has made me even more emotional..Oh NO! I am on an high dose of hormones and wow I don't know how some women do it. I have never been on hormones before and am counting down the days until my perscription is up. I am a very emotional person and for me to be even more emotional is crazy! Anyhow, only 5 more days to go. In fact, as I am sitting here I have an episode of Full House on, and am crying bc Jesse's Grandpa died. Now, I do cry easily but that is a little drastic!
If I have learned anything through this week, it is that God made us very unique. I don't understand how people can not believe there is a creator. I was reading in Psalm 139 about how God formed us, and knit us together in our mother's womb. That is so crazy! I can't even begin to comprehend it. It leaves me absolutely humbled before the Lord. A little ashamed that I haven't taken better care of my body over the years. I always told myself that I would lose this weight by the time I was 30. Well, I turned 29 last month and it isn't looking that optimistic. I started a program/bible study through church, and during the first 10 week session lost 20 lbs. Well, we took a couple of weeks off, and with my birthday, going to visit family, this new medicine, I started making excuses again. We finally started back last Monday and when I went to weigh in and noticed that I had almost gained 10 of it back I was sick! I want to lose the weight. It is by far one of the hardest addictions I know. Addiction to food, impulse eating, emotional eating. It is hard to get motivated again. I was super emotional of course when we started back in Jan. It was a new, exciting, and I saw results. I started to get a little prideful, and was jumping ahead in my thought process.
Then I started to have this stran of health concerns. We went to the dr in March bc we thought we were pregnant. Well, while there found out we weren't, and the dr found a suspicious lump in my breast. Then it was off to a series of Dr's and a series of tests. Finally, thank God we found out that the lumps are fine. However, three months has gone by and still no answers for the other issues. Thus, I am on hormones, to hopefully throw my body back into cycle. Anyhow I have used all of this as excuses. I am upset, bc I wanted to be pregnant. I am scared bc I don't know what is going on exactly. I fear taht we might not get pregnat now.
So where does this leave me now? Still taking meds, praying for God to heal my body, and convicted that I have to start taking care of my body more. I know that I have to call out to God to help me fight this addiction to food. Addiction to bad habits. I am someone who doesn't snack on chips, sweets, any of that. I just really enjoy going out to eat. I love rich tasting heavy on the hip food.

Broken Wheel

So there has been a lot on my mind the past few days, and I think I can sum it up with the phrase I learned at church this past Sunday. When we have someone( or some situation) that we need to reconcile with, it makes us like a tonka truck with the wheel broken...we just don't work right. We can try to keep moving, but it something keeps us from sailing along like we should. Anyhow, this past Sunday was Youth Sunday at my church, and oh what truth is spoken from the mouth of babes. The certain truth that cut to the core of me was from a 13 year old girl who led the children's time. Here she was trying to teach young ones about reconciliation and the importance of it, and I, a 29 year old adult, was touched beyond measure. Her it is 4 days later, and it is still running through my mind. Reconciliation and how it really can continue to fester for years, even if we thought we were over it. Well, I am not I can tell. If someone even mentions reconcile, forgiveness, lost friendships, I automatically think of a few people that I need to reconcile with. I would like to take a few minutes and try to do just that. I am not for sure if any of them will read this, although I don't even know that this is for them. I believe this is a much for me, and truthfully I think this is for anyone who can get any use out of it.

For the life of me I would like to be doing anything else. I have thought about this day for a long time. The time when I would try to write some sort of apology to those I hurt 6 years ago. I know God has changed my life so much in the past 6 years, and that I am in no way the person I was then. He has made me anew and for that I am forever grateful. However, part of being made new, is replacing that wheel that is broken. All I know to do is start at the beginning and pray that those who it will touch it will touch.

Anyhow, as I have wrote about earlier, I had a very tough childhood. One of the ways that I began to cope with it all was lying. Being part of a "good christian family" with lots of secrets that is what all of us did. We played parts, we covered up, however you want to put it, but all in all we lied. I learned to do it very early on, and by the time I had graduated from HS and went to college I had become addicted to it. It was how I protected myself, and it was an escape from reality. I wanted to change I did. I would pray about it. Reading back over a lot of my journals from college it was a struggle that I wanted to end. In fact, I even went through some counseling between my freshman and sophomore year at PU to deal with it. I went through this faith based program at a local church, and thought I was making progress. However, old demons like they were I wasn't. I found myself whenever I was in any kind of pain, emotionally, physically or whatever lying about it. It was a cycle and I didn't see a way out. It ended up getting me into a lot of problems. I was put on probation for falsifying information. I was in ton of problems financially. When I look back to Sept. of 2002, and think about what was really going on, and how things got so out of hand with my lying I am ashamed. For one, I had just come back to IN earlier that summer from a job I had in CT. A job that I was in no way ready for. I was embarrassed that I had failed. Failure is another one of my fears, or reasons why I would lie. We were taught a very young age that failure was not an option. I am a very prideful person who has great difficulty in admitting I am wrong. I never want another person to look down on me, or think bad about me.

Anyhow, I had come back to IN, and was living with family. I had nothing to show for it. I had my license taken away bc of unpaid tickets. I didn't have a job, a car, any money. I had nothing, and was feeling pretty embarrassed about stuff. However, I wanted to keep up this image( it was always about portraying something I wasn't). I felt like I had to come up with legitimate reasons why my life was like this so I lied. This time it was bigger and far more worse. I lied about my health. Instead of facing reality I began to live in a fantasy where people made me feel better about myself because they thought I was seriously sick. I actually began to feel a little better, for trying to keep up with this new lie/new life made me escape the reality in which I lived. Well, a group of friends at the time confronted me about it one night. It was the last time I saw most of them. Perhaps, it will be the last time I will ever see them. I can still picture that night in my head, and it has haunted me in dreams over the years since then. I would like to say this to that group of people. I can't imagine what you all went through that night. I can't imagine the pain I have caused you. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I wish I could erase that part of my life. However, that night I honestly believed you saved my life. You set me free. I am forever thankful for what you all did.

I wish I could tell you that everything changed that night. It was another 6 months before I came to grips and started being honest about things. I ended up that next March going to a treatment center for about a week. I had once again felt overwhelmed and lied again. In that time, I saw things I will never forget, and realized that I was already half way down a road a never realized I was on. I had very few friends and family that would even talk to me. I had very few relationships that I hadn't damaged. However, I did something I had never done before. I went back to the people I had lied to and admitted what I had done. I faced the consequences and began to build my life back. For the first time I didn't run away and start over. For a few months I wore a rubber band around my wrist, a trick I had learned from group therapy from a drug abuser. I had began to treat my addiction as just that an addiction. I began seeing a therapist, and began learning what parts of my life were real, and what had been made up. Most of all, I surrounded myself with wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ who helped build me back up in Christ. I had to remove all the crap, and come before God as a vessel needing to be filled. I learned what God's word has to say about the dangers of a lying tongue. God has used my story to start touching the lives of others. I have spoken to youth groups, and small groups about my struggle.

Again, I write this not knowing who will read it, but only that it needs to be wrote. Again, I am sorry for any pain I caused people in the past with my lying. I can only say that God is good, and He is the God of second, third, fourth chances, and that we are never going to be good enough. However, His Son fills that gap and gives us hope. I can already feel him placing that wheel back on and giving me a push as I start to move for the first time in years.

Crazy journey that lies ahead

I am sitting here thinking about all the different topics that I could write about today. So many thoughts, and yet none of them seem appropriate or good enough to actually put out there for others to read. Some of them I feel are too private, but yet need to come out, and some of them or so stupid that I figure why waste the time writing them. Although I am reminded of something that I was told once, that if you love writing just write doesn't matter what people say or think about it just do it everyday. Now I do keep a journal and try writing in it daily. It has become both my safe haven, and my sounding board. I find it is the only place in the past 15 years that I have been completely truthful about my thoughts and feelings. I know that I can write down my thoughts and know that no one can judge them and I can't get in trouble or rejected for them at all.
I think perhaps today I am going to write about why I am choosing to go public with my journal and my thoughts. Like I said in my first blog, I know I have been called to be open about my past, my present and my future so that others can come to know the freedom that comes through Christ. I started writing steadily when I was 15. I had a rocky home life, and struggled with a lot issues. Well, someone suggested to me that I should start writing since it was something I enjoyed, so that I would have an outlet. Well, since that time I have done just that. Written about my struggles, my hopes, my dreams, and my God. Many of you who will probably be reading this know me in some manner. Perhaps, we are friends, family, acquaintances or perhaps you just stumbled upon my blog by chance. If you know me then you know that I have gone through some hard times. Especially as an adolescent. I feel that I have gone through such things so that others may come to know the truth. As a close friend of mine has said 'JoDee you know that things are never gonna be easy for girls like us'. Well, I totally agree with that statement. I am here to start telling my story. My prayer is that God uses this for His glory. I think that this will bring peace to some issues from the past, as well as healing to those I have hurt along the way.
I will do my best to be completely open and honest with the stories I will tell. Not all the days will be filled with deep issues. Some days will be about whatever thoughts are running through this crazy mind of mine. I only know that I have such peace in knowing that this a step in the right direction for my future, for my families future. It is time that I start really running this race that God has put me in. I know God has plans for me, and together we are going to figure them out a step at a time.

Earth Day....are we saving the earth?

So, I went home last night, and told my loving husband that I created a blog, and am on my way. Of course, he was happy to see that I actually taking action instead of just talking about taking action. Which is something that I am notorious for. There are so many ideas, thoughts things that I want to do, and I can (and WILL) talk about them for hours, days, years, and never take any action. Even now, I am thinking about all the stuff I want to write but then not really writing about anything of importance. I am just trying to clear my head a little, get rid of the nervous energy and actually do something.
So without further ado, my thoughts on today. As everyone knows today is Earth Day. I sit here and think about what it means to me. I remember growing up and having Earth Day in school. We would spend a little more time outside that day. Talk a little more that week about recycling and our part to save the earth. In the past 10 years that I have been out of school. I don't think I have any real memories of Earth Day, or even recall thinking about it. However, this year I think it is everywhere. You turn on the TV and now one can see commercials about "global friendly" products. I can go to a store and see sections dedicated to those products. Last night while watching TV I stumbled upon a commercial for a TV station totally dedicated to "going green". I can tell you what celebrities have joined the bandwagon for this cause. Or what politicians, as this is an election year. I can watch the evening news and they will tell me the latest tricks to save money and save the planet. So this Earth Day I feel like we are finally getting a grasp on the importance of changing our wasteful lives. However, the question I ask myself is, are companies, people, celebrities joining forces to change the world in which we live, or is all this just hype? I mean I can remember going around collecting aluminium cans as a child, and taking them in to be recycled. You could find those recycle bins everywhere. We would bring in a couple of trash bags and perhaps come out with a couple of dollars. However, that soon faded as we realized that it wasn't worth all the work for maybe a dollar or two. Sure, if I see a recycle bin I will put my can in there, but I don't really think about it much.
I tend to be the sceptic in a situation who thinks that all this hype will soon wear off. Sure the world will be a better place for what is happening, but people won't keep it up. First off, it cost more for the "energy saving", "eco-friendly" products and with the economy as it is people don't have the funds to "go green." Sure they tell me it will save money in the long run, but unfortunately I need to save money now. As Americans we live in a very fast pace, self-centered society, and want to have it all. I don't think most of will find the time to stay "green" in what we do. As far as the celebrities, politicians that are the driving forces behind this movement. Well, they will soon find a new movement to get behind, or they will have their own fall from grace and soon be out of the most cherish spotlight.
Now I am not saying that we shouldn't do anything or that we shouldn't care about the world we are living in. I believe 100% that God put man in charge of the Earth, and that we should take care of it. I believe it is our duty, and that we should watch how wasteful we are, and if there are things that personally I can do to make the enviornment better I will. I am just saying that I think the hype will soon fade, and although some will keep up with it, it won't be worthy of a cause. I am not trying to sound cynical or pessimistic. I would hate to think I have become one of those jaded people who sit and say 'how wrong the world is'. No that is not my intention at all. I am just sharing my opinion when it come to Earth Day this year.

Why blog?

The time has arrived for me to start on this journey of writing for the public to veiw. I have spent the past year saying that I am going to do this, and now decided that I am. I have came up with every excuse and after realizing I can do this pretty easily said 'okay let's go'. I am not forsure exactly how public it is, or if I will be able to attach this link to myspace or facebook. Anyhow, I am starting this, and I will tell you the random thoughts that go through this very complex crazy mind of mine.
Also, I will be taking the oppertunity and freedom to really explore my love of writing, and my passion to one day make a living this way. I have felt with great conviction over the past year/two that God is leading me into full-time ministry. I know that I will write and speak to women of all ages about the wonderful power and freedom that comes from God. So, I invite anyone who dares to enter into this crazy mixed up world of mine, to come along and see where this rabit hole leads.