Changes are coming

This one is not about adoption necessarily but just a little note to say that some changes are in the near future for myself. Over the past few weeks I have seen God shut some doors and open a few windows. David and I have been doing a lot of praying and talking with our pastor and a couple of other people whose opinions we trust. We still haven't announced the changes to our families but be on the look out for a lot more posts from me. We are trusting God that the steps that we are taking will blessed as we are seeking to honor Him more. I am overwhelmed with excitement as I think about all that He is doing and to see what doors will continue to open.

More thoughts

I thank those who have either commented her or on facebook saying that you are remembering us in prayer or thinking about us. I appreciate that more than you know. It is one of the things I like most about being a woman and defently one of the reasons I want to do women's ministry.....I love the encouragement that women can bring each other. I know that there are other women out there who have/and are currently experiencing the same emotions as I when it comes to fertility issues and such. Last year my husband and I were blessed with finding out we were pregnant to only find out a short time later that we were not. It was by far the most emotional and most painful experience I have been through. I will never forget the joy in David's eyes as he looked down at the pregnancy test( our second for that day) and saw "pregnant". It was something we both had been wanting for a long time, and in the past 2 years we have taken a lot of tests so having two come up pregnant was a truly new and joyous occasion. We sat there in our living room and cried, praised God and dreamed about the future. Of course I had to tell my Best Friend and our moms. For all of them knew that we had been praying for that moment for a long time and they all knew the pain I felt of not having any success in previous attempts. Over the next few days it was if we were in a whirlwind as we waited to have my blood work and Dr to confirm. However, everyone that we had contacted just family and my brother who works for the lab confirmed that it really was just a formality at that point. We went online and figured about the due date and conception. We were doing what I assume any expectant parents would do. We prayed a lot and praised a lot. We then received the news that I was not pregnant. They called it a chemical miscarriage and that it may never happen again but to just keep going like we were and perhaps I will get pregnant again and this time carry the child to full term. I can also remember and not forget the pain I felt and still feel as David and I laid there and cried. Even now as I think back and relive those moments in my head I still tear up. It left me feeling like I was broken or had done something wrong. David just kept asking why? Why did we have to go through this? Why did it happen to us, and would it happen again? I still don't have any answers and perhaps I never will. However, I know that God used that to eventually bring David and I closer together. I believe now more than ever that God is Omnipotent and that He is always my rock no matter in good or bad. I also know and believe that it is just part of my story that God will use to bring others to Him.
There are still times when I find myself getting jealous or questioning when I find out that someone is expecting a child. I am genuinely happy for the person as I know the joy they must be feeling, but I also grieve a little for me and those others that I know that long to have that feeling. I trust in Psalm 139 and know that God has been there through all of this and will be there forever. He truly does hold me and all others that have gone through this. I pray that if anyone else out there has experienced the loss of a child or the loss of not being able to have a child that they know the overwhelming comfort of God. I, also, hope that you know it is okay and natural to have all sorts of different emotions. You are not alone.....God is here as well as myself and other women.

Thoughts

With this being adoption awareness month I thought I would dedicate the blogs this month to adoption and why it has become such an issue in our life. One of the closest and most emotional topics that I have dealt with and deal with is having children. Since I can remember all I wanted to do was be a wife and a mother. Children have been such an big part of my life and even David and I's life as a couple. I had this great plan that David and I would get married and have a child pretty quickly. I mean why not we are a loving couple who loves children and the Lord. It is how things are suppose to happen, Right? Well, in life it doesn't always happen that way. David and I have had trouble with fertility since we have been married and haven't been successful as of now. As a woman it leaves me with a lot of emotion which as a very emotional person leaves me very drained. As I look for comfort I have fallen in love with the story of Hannah and how she cried out very honestly to the Lord. I read through her prayer of being barren and see both the despair and the honesty that she expresses to both God and her husband. As I begin to read through 1 Samuel I can relate, find comfort and have hope in the words written so many years ago. It brings up so many emotions.....despair, shame, insecurity, jealousy, hopelessness, and loneliness to name a few. I know that I am not the only woman and that David and I are not the only couple who face this. I know personally of a few friends who have gone through this and have seen the way it has affect them and their marriages. Whenever I am going through a trial I always think two things.....1. What can I learn from this and 2. How can God use this to reach others? So I have decided that over this month since it is adoption awareness month I will blog specifically about what it is like to want children and not have any. I hope that others are uplifted through this. I ask for prayers as I begin to open up about a subject that is very painful for me.

Adoption Awareness Month

Happy Adoption Awareness Month! Adoption is very special to our family as most know my husband and three of his siblings are adopted so it holds a very special place. It is also something that David and I have talked/prayed/looked into and really feel called to do. We believe that the Lord will use us to make a home for the orphans. I am not sure in what light and I pray that we are both continually open to path of the Lord. We started actively pursing adoption about 14 months ago. However we have been talking about since before we were married both knowing individually that the Lord wanted us to one day adopt. David's love for children is one of the things that led me into him in the beginning. David being adopted himself from South Korea we always felt like we would want to also adopt from South Korea. Kind of a way to bring the process full circle. One of the stipulations for South Korea adoption is that you have to be married for three years. So on our 3rd anniversary we set off to start the process. Having moved from Missouri to Indiana we began to look into the adoption agency that we could work with. We went to seminars talked with fellow adoptive parents and set out to adopt. We were then meant with news that because of my size they would not work with us. We informed them that I have had the Lapband and was actively losing weight so would they keep us in mind. At that time it was agreed upon that we would wait until the January and then try again. Well January came and we got a letter saying they aren't accepting new couples into the program but will try again mid year. Then in June we received a letter saying they are closing the program for now. So needless to say we are another year out and really trying to pray about what door God wants us to proceed through. We both believe that there are children here in the US that need homes and would benefit from us. So we have really been trying to work actively at paying off bills so that we can pursue adoption like we would like. It is extremely expensive. I know that money is no obstacle for the Lord though. I have faith that the Lord will add to our family when the time is appropriate. It is a struggle for me though and something that I want to happen a lot. I will blog more on that later this month. For now I thank all of those who have added to their family through adoption especially my in-laws. They opened their home and their hearts to answer the call to care for the orphans and I am in turned blessed with an amazing husband who loves the Lord and me very much.

The "happiest" place on earth

So this past week we were on vacation and I am thankful for the opportunity to get away and go to my happy place. I was able to go on vacation to Disney World for a week which really the happiest place on earth in my opinion. However, while we are on vacation friends who were traveling with us lost their grandmother unexpectedly, a friend from college lost her infant son, and a dear lady that I knew lost a battle with breast cancer. It reminded me that life is never to be taken for granted and to be grateful for every situation. It, also, reminded me of the Hope that I have of a future beyond this world and the urgency to want to share that with everyone I know. For in midst of tragedy God will make himself known and He will give us renewed hope of life with Him eternally. I am thankful for all that the Lord is showing me and teaching me right now in this season of my life. I believe that I am in a season where God is really pouring into me and I am growing spiritually everyday by the bucket full. I can't believe how much He must have in store for me because of the lessons I am learning everyday. I am also learning that these lessons aren't for my benefit they are to bring others closer to Him and the truth of His word.
There were so many times this past week when I wanted to quit my job and just move to FL and work for Disney World. For I do love being there and the joy of seeing people of all ages experience "the magic" for the first time. I love hearing the different languages and people represented there. I love that I can ride next to someone and even though we don't speak the same language we understand that each other and the joy we both feel. It is a joy that is contagious and I want to be a part of it. However, there is a bigger joy that I feel that is so consuming there are no words. It is an unspeakable joy that floods our hearts and spirits and that is the Joy that only comes from the Lord. It is far more greater than anything of this world and no matter how much I love Disney World it can in no way compare to that of the Joy of the Lord. It is the only joy that when in the midst of losing a child can cause a couple to be thankful and sing praises to the Lord. So I know that at this stage of my life I am being prepared for "work" sharing this Joy and this Love that consumes my life. I know the call that has been placed upon my life and even though the earthly treasures of this life are tempting they hold nothing on the Hope I have in Christ Jesus. He is my rock and my salvation and my life is not mine but was bought with the highest sacrifice and belongs to God to use how He desires. However, I can honestly say as I have gotten older and more mature in faith in God that the desire to do full time ministry is much larger than even the desire to work for Disney World....which has always been a life long wish of mine.

He is still working on me

So there has been this reoccuring theme in my life the last few months. It is choices....or maybe just actively taking ownership of what I do everyday. I have really come to believe that so much of what we do is a conscious decision requiring both thought and prayer. I also have seen God really work in areas of my life to bring Him glory and teach me lessons. I love when God shows up and teaches us a lesson or shows us more about us in areas we don't realize need it. I have really been doubting my leadership a lot the couple of weeks. Work was crazy and I was really torn down and doubting what I was doing with my life. I didn't know if it was the right carreer choice or what God was trying to show me. I still am a little confused and doing a lot of processing but have definetly seen God show His hand in everything. We are on vacation this week and I have seen how I am naturally a leader. I naturally take charge, plan things out and make sure they are executed properlly. I, also, have seen how those around me look at me for direction...sometimes literally as we have been navigating around a lot....but just to see what plans are or the actions that need to be taken. I have also seen that my fear of confrontation gets in the way. I know there are times that it is neccassary and that being a good leader means confronting what you need to. I look at Jesus in the synagogue or Jesus with the Pharasis. I look at the way Paul was speaking out against what was evil and confronting both the Christian and nonchristian community. It is all over the bible where men and women of faith have had to rise up and become a voice of truth and justice. There very nature of God is one that is both the Ultimate Judge and yet is the purest of love. I am very much a peace maker. I want everyone to get along and work dillegently at times to be the mediator in stressful situations. I still believe that there are times when I will be called to be just that a mediator. However there are times when I am called to to be more decisive in my decision making and times I am called to confront that which is wrong. I get very anxious when people are upset with me and try to avoid it all cost. However, I am really seeing how that tendency can cause myself and others harm sometimes physical sometimes not. When I was a nanny I learned very quickly how to discipline in a loving way and how to gain contol of the situation. It wasn't that I didn't love the girls but I was confident that my decision would be for the benifet of myself and them. I right now am trying to channel that same thinking when dealing with a staff or put into another leadership oppertunity. There are times when I will have to be stern and they may get mad and throw a fit but I know that I have the knowledge and training to make the right decision. Again, it is a choice I have to make to be the type of leader I want to be. It is also a choice I have to be confront that which is put before me whether I want to or not. I am just thankful that God is continueing to work on me and make me the person He desires of me. I remember a song from junior church when I was little and it so very fitting I will leave you with it.

He is still working on me
to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars
the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
Oh how special I must be..
for He is still working on me

Using my weakness for His gain

I have had the opportunity this week to see God work in more than one occasion. He truly is making opportunities to shine in my weakness. Through a situation at work not going the way I had wanted and a change that I had wanted ended up not happening God has opened up conversations about Him. I am so thankful to serve a God that can turn my weakness into His blessing. I was wanting to go to a larger branch but because of an audit that didn't go the way we would have wanted that is not going to happen now. I have had a couple of coworkers ask me what I thought or how I felt which has in turn left me having the opportunity to share my faith. This week has been hard to say the least. I have been humbled to the point of tears at certain points, and some hard conversations between me and some other people. However, all of it has been worth it to see God open up doors and conversations. When originally David and I talked about the possibility of me moving and what it could mean for us I was sure it was the right step for me professionally. However, I kept praying that if it wasn't God's plan that He would intervene. Even though, I will admit I didn't really want Him too and I wanted to selfishly have the "honor" of a bigger a branch. I had gotten prideful in the possible move and was really thinking only of myself. Well, God moved in a way that only He could have and like I said it is not going to happen now. I learned a big dose of humility but am so glad to serve a God that disciplines me with love. I can't believe how many times this week I have relied on Him and really prayed for Him to give me strength and calmness. I have really prayed over my employees and the other people in my branch. I am really clinging onto Him to see me through this time and to continue to show me those hard lessons. It is so neat though to see Him shine through and to think He loves me enough to want to work through me. I know that my steps are outlined by God and that when the right time comes He will place me where He wants. However He is still working on me and has plans for me where I am. I am thankful that He showed me that I am not as prepared as I thought I was and that I still have things to learn. I am thankful to have not been put in a situation that I couldn't handle. Most of all I am thankful for the peace of God that does transend all understanding.