turning worries into praise

What a couple of days. Seems like I say that a lot lately. I guess that is what being an adult is though. Right? So this blog is going to be rather candid. I am struggling tonight with a few things and I just want to get out my th0ughts honestly. My prayer is that if anyone reads this at some point and you can relate than you will know that God is with us even when we don't see or feel Him. I hate not being in control. I get very anxious and my stomach begins to cramp when I start feeling worried and extremely anxious about things. In the past I have had anxiety attacks and that is part of what would lead at times to me lying and running from a situation. It is only through the Grace of God and others that over the past few years I have dealt with and worked through very difficult situations. Part of the reasoning is how I grew up and partly I think it is part of the sinful nature that is inside of me. I bet over the past 4 hours I have said Philippians 4:6-7 about 100 times. I am having a "test" of sorts at work this week and it isn't going well. To make it worse the past two days I haven't been there because David and I took a long weekend to be with each other for our anniversary. We have a had a stressful year and needed some time together. However, as life goes the first day together started with a phone call saying "She's here" I knew that meant I had to get up and go to work for couple of hours to prepare them for what was happening. I did and as I left yesterday I was obviously falsely confident in how I had prepared my staff. I thought I had given them the necessary skills they needed but it doesn't quite look that way. I know also that I am a rather prideful person and I let my pride stand in the way I guess. I work very hard but there is always room for growth. Well even though I haven't been there with them I am sure learning a lot about myself and my management style. I am learning a lot about my fears that lead me t0 not be confident when I should and be too confident to see the flaws in my style. I believe that the Lord placed me at my job for a reason and I honestly do work very hard at what I do. My parents taught us that you better do the best job you can because you never know when something will happen. Anyhow, I don't really want to just vent about the things I can't control. What I do what to make known or say I guess is that sometimes life just stinks. I just have to learn that is that by worrying about what I can't control and by being upset I am not going to accomplish anything. After all, who by worrying can add a single day to their life? Right? I believe we have all heard that and it is true. I know that God is good and just. He gives and He takes away but His love endures forever. I love worship songs and I love that after playing just a few over in my mind it does calm my soul. I know there are always going to be things that I don't understand or that I wonder about, but I know that even though they seem to be life consuming at the time. They are not. This life is short and it is not mine to waste worrying about what I can't can't control. For really isn't the root of worry Pride. I mean worrying is about me and what will happen to some sort of aspect of my life. So I will not worry I will not sin. I will turn to the one who made me and Thank Him for all He does everyday. I will Thank Him for the teachable moments in life and the for being my constant. I will Thank Him for loving me enough to discipline and teach me. I will Thank Him for giving me a husband who is supportive in all I do. I will Thank Him for the promise of life with Him where there are no more worries. I will Thank Him for the freedom to express myself and not be persecuted. I will Thank Him for a family who loves me despite my faults. I will Thank Him for preparing the way for me as I go back to work and deal with what is going on. I Thank Him for the Peace of God which does guard my heart and mind forever.

He understands

I have caught myself a couple of times over the past few weeks crying out to God because I felt like I am alone and that no matter how much someone loves me they just don't get it or understand. One of the misconceptions in life and the world's view of relationships is that the other person completes you. One of the things I am thankful for is that by getting married in my late 20's I had really come secure in who I am and my relationship with God. I know that David loves me very much but we are also very different so there are times in the midst of life's issues that I am left feeling that no one gets it. Yesterday, on my way home from work was one of those moments. I had had a crazy last couple hours and upon getting off work I just wanted to vent so of course I made a couple of phone calls. However, they were busy and I was left feeling alone and that no matter how much someone loves me they can't be there a 100% of the time. I then found myself crying out to God that I just wanted someone to listen to me and get what I was saying. It was at that moment that I felt God gently pull me into His pressence and let me know that He got me and that He wanted nothing more than to listen to me. So even though I am sure other drivers might have thought that I was crazy I began to pore my heart out to the Lord. He comforted me with His spirit and He listen without judgement as I became real before Him. I was reminded of Jesus in the desert for 40 days and how I am sure during that time he had no one physically who completely understood what his preparing for ministry was about. I was also reminded of the Last Supper and the Garden of Gethsemane and how I am sure no one knew what was going to take place and the agony that Christ was in. As I cried out that no one understands God gently said He does and I knew He did.

Choices......yet again

I petitioned a couple of weeks ago for prayer for David and I as I begin to blog about a couple areas very close to our heart. I personally have been praying about the right way to approach them or the way to blog being both respectfulof David and glorifying to God. I also continue to pray for guidance as these issues/struggles are very real and very painful in ways. However, when faced with these struggles I knew God was leading me to share them with women for His Glory. I truly believe my life is to be used as a living testimony to the power and strength that comes through the Lord Jesus Christ. Growing up "hiding the truth" or "pretending to be perfect" leaves me with a false since of pride and security. The Lord over the past 10 years has shown me the true freedom that comes through Christ and giving Him control. I have experienced the joy of living a life open and honest. Sometimes David jokes that I went from one extreme to the other from hiding the truth of my life to wanting to share everything.
So as I begin to write about these areas I pray that God guides my fingers across the keyboard and blesses those that read it as well as David and I. We are dedicated to each other and to the opening up of our lives for the light of God to shine through. As I wrote yesterday God has been blessing me and showing me how His fingerprints are all over our life right now. David and I have had some struggles over the past four years of our marriage that have been really difficult. As do most marriages. However the past four months in particular have been even harder as a lot has come out. I have blogged and mentioned in previous posts the lesson I am learning with "choices". Marriage and love is so often a choice. Sometimes it is a feeling but often times it is a choice. A choice to stay married and honor your covenant with each other and God. It is the choice to start anew and fresh everyday. It is a choice to forgive each other daily, sometimes multiple times. It is the choice to work together to understand each other and what makes each other different. It is the choice to accept what life brings and learn how to deal with it. Now there are days I wake up and yes I "feel" loved and I "feel" like loving David the way he needs and deserves. However reality is that is not everyday, and anyone that is married or in a relationship knows this. Marriage is made up of two broken people in a broken world so it will be broken. However that is the joyous aspect of having a God centered marriage. God is the third string that weaves us together in a way that Satan and this world can't touch. I have "love is" written on my bathroom mirror as a constant reminder that I chose what I want love to look like. I also have written 1 Cor 13:4-7 on our bedroom vanity mirror so every night before I go to bed I see what God says love is. I then have the choice to honor God and follow His design for love and marriage or not. For me someone who is a very visual person and needs the constant reminders it has changed our marriage over the past 18 months they have been there.
David and I didn't get married until I was 28 and by all accounts I will admit that I pushed for the marriage to happen as quick as it did. I like most women had my idea of what a "husband", and a "marriage" was to look and feel like. I went in with a lot of unrealistic expectations. I grew up like all little girls imagining my prince. I had designed him, and I wanted David to become or be that figment of my imagination. The last few years before marriage as my relationship with God began to really deepen and form I had developed in my mind an image of a man who was part Paul, Moses, Peter, David, John, James and Prince Charming mixed in with a little Billy Graham, Max Lacado and John Piper. Needless to say it was not the most tangible realistic expectation to put on David. However truthfully it was there and in the back of my mind I would get angry when David didn't match up. It took me quite a few months and truthfully over 2 1/2 years into our marriage until I truly repented of this and asked God to show me how to love David for David and not who I wanted him to be. I will remember that Sunday afternoon in February 2010 as we came home from church and my heart was broken. God was speaking to me and had me go before David to confess and repent of this. As we knelt beside the side of the bed and prayed over 1 Cor. 13, and myself over Psalm 31 I felt the strongholds began to lift from our marriage. God began to move that day and has continued over the past 18 months a lot. I would love to say that at that moment and going forward our relationship began to mimic that of the bride of Christ and Christ. I would love to say that we now have no huge issues and are so in love. Now I can say that I love David more than I did at that point or even when we meant. In fact I am loving him more everyday. However, the last 18 months have been hard and there has been hurt between the both of us. I am just thankful for all that God is doing and continues to do.
I guess I will leave this post with that thought for today that marriage is so full of choices and love after all is sometimes a choice, but remember the choice that Christ made for His church when he laid down His life on the cross. I think sometimes as Christians we feel that we have to have the "perfect" marriage. I know that I was ashamed to tell people that we have struggles and we are in counseling to help us talk through and work through those areas. However we are I am thankful for a husband who has made the choice to work through our issues, his issues and let me work through mine as we walk through life together. I am thankful for a God who gives me the freedom to write publicly about Him and the difference He makes in my life everyday. I am also thankful for any of you that are reading this. I hope if you have struggled in your marriage or any relationship that you know that it is okay, and that God is right there by your side wanting to help you through. In 1 Peter 5:6-7 we are instructed to humble ourselves and lift our burdens on the Lord so He can lift us up because He cares for us. He is there it's up to us, our choice, if we let Him in.

Answered Prayer

When I first started blogging again in one of my first posts I stated how I had no personal computer but I wanted to be diligent and blogging and following what I believe was the hand of God. Well I am here to just give some confirmation that came in the form of answered prayer. I knew with no home computer it would be difficult for me to blog how I felt led to. However, today a month after I started blogging again I am typing this from our new netbook. This past weekend we were visiting STL and David's parents gave us his moms old netbook. I feel so blessed to have supporting loving in-laws, but more importantly I serve a God who cares about all my needs. I also was thankful that this past weekend was an amazing weekend in STL. It had seemed that the past couple trips we had come into some bad luck when traveling. I had gotten sick, car trouble, just overall not the best luck. However this past weekend was about as perfect as possible. Aside from not visiting all the friends I would have like to.
I have been blown away the last few days with seeing all God is doing to answer my prayers both big and small. Sometimes perhaps not the way I wanted but I am seeing the fingerprints of God really working and weaving together aspects of my life. God has really been answering a huge prayer of working on David's and I relationship. We have been dealing with a couple big issues and over the last couple weeks I have really seen God show us that He is truly in control. He alone has been our rock and our salvation and we are seeing that big time right now. So today I wanted to make this blog just thank God for all He has done and continues to do.

It truly is a choice....lesson that I am learning everyday

I know the last few posts have had this as the title, but I am still learning so much about the choices we make everyday. I am taking great peace in Romans 12:1-3, just the power of transforming myself by the renewing of my mind. I love how it states that it is true worship when we do this. The Lord has been teaching me so much about how much my thoughts and my mind dictate what I do. I like to think I am somewhat of a logical person. I like to use my brain, however, I am learning more and more that the way God tells me to move and the way my brain instinctively wants me to move is usually very different. I believe that Paul writes about it when he speaks about the struggle of the sinful nature. I mean we are surrounded by this world, and the ideas it teaches us through life. Ideas on what marriage should look like, what your career should be, what a "perfect" lifestyle is, what brings one comfort, peace, and joy. All of these worldly thoughts bombard us everyday in what what we read, watch on tv, listen to, see on the shelf at the grocery store, talk about at the lunchroom or around the water cooler. Truly it is everywhere we go. So I am learning that I have a choice to listen to God and His word. I have choices in this life, and God is making me very aware of them. I love how Psalms start...in Psalm 1:1-3 it talks about not walking with the wicked but delighting in the Lord. We delight in the Lord by meditating on His Word, on the law.
One of my favorite verses ever is in Matthew 12:34, "from the overflow of the heart the mouth speaketh." I think that is such a powerful verse. I found much peace and conviction in just those 9 words. Often I will check myself when out with friends or with David about what am I talking about. For what I am talking about is what is truly on my heart and mind. Being very close to a 17 year old has made that verse come to life so much more. She is of course "in love" and hearing her talk about her boyfriend with the giddiness of a teenager makes me wonder if I get that excited speaking about the Lord. We laugh that all she thinks about is this guy, and then my nephews only think about PS3 or Combat arms. The way a child will consume themselves around what they love or are passionate about is really convicting. I believe when we could learn a lot from teenagers. I know after spending 5 minutes with any child what is really important to them. I wonder if the same could be said about me. Or better yet what is my mouth echoing that my heart is saying. What would someone say I love, or am passionate about? What am I busy thinking about it? Am I truly loving God with my mind, body and soul?

Choice to recognize a great weekend.

Wow! What a weekend. We came to St.Louis for the weekend to visit friends and celebrate the life of a amazing woman who left us. I enjoy our time in STL because it often meets seeing friends we don't get to see very often and spending time with the in-laws. It often means dinner/lunch at one of our favorite establishments. It means a little relaxation with mornings sleeping in and an occasional afternoon nap. It involves worshipping with our church family at MUMC. It often means good conversations between David and I as we make the 4 hour drive. Often it also means listening to David sing along to show tunes playing on our favorite Pandora station as we drive home. Over the past 4 years that we have been making these fun weekend trips back and forth between STL and Indy I have come to really treasure what these little trips mean to our relationship. So when we heard of the possibly of us coming I welcomed it. We came Thursday night with very little plans for the weekend. We had received some news on Thursday evening that David and I were still comprehending and trying to process on our own. More about that later. Anyhow Friday found us spending some time with a dear friend and her adorable children for lunch and some shopping and then I thought home for some relaxation by the pool. However life happened and we were in a car wreck. Now praise the Lord that no one was hurt, but I was still left very upset about why we had to deal with something else. My car was left undrivable and had to be towed to the nearest collision shop where we were informed it wouldn't be looked out until Tuesday. We now have to leave my car here in STL while we return to life in Indy for the time being. We did get a rental for now and for the most part our life is back to normal.
This morning during church the pastor made a statement that really stuck with me. Basically he made a point to make us realize all the things we have to be thankful for vs. what we have to complain about. I could easily dwell on all the car wreck or the inconvenience of dealing with a rental, trying to fix a car here in STL while living two states away and then figuring out insurance and getting my car back. Or I could chose to be thankful that no one was hurt. That we rode in a tow truck instead of an ambulance. I can chose to be thankful that that when we went to pick up the rental that they had to upgrade us for free because of lack of cars. I can be thankful for in-laws that were able to pick us up and bring us back. I can be thankful for still an amazing weekend with friends whom love us and we love. I can be thankful for the testimony of a living forgiving Christ who lives within us that we were able to share with the family who hit us. I can be thankful for a God who disciplines me with love by gently reminding me that my earthly possessions are not mine but His. I am thankful for the display of the Father's love for me as I watched the earthly father of the girl who hit us come in and "rescue" his daughter cleaning up her mess. How to often I forget how much God loves me and is working all out for my good. I am thankful for preachers who preach the truth and the Holy Spirit for letting me hear what the Lord wants me to hear. I am thankful for a God who never gives up on us, and even in the midst of trial shows His Goodness and Mercy. I am thankful for a husband who asks me how I am and cares about my well being. I am thankful for still getting to relax by the pool on Saturday afternoon. I am thankful for still having brunch at our favorite restaurant on Sunday. I am thankful for heat breaking and going on a nice brisk walk with David and the dog. I am thankful for still having tomorrow off to relax and regroup. Most of all I am thankful for the choice I get to think about the Goodness of God vs. The trials of this world. Everyday we have a choice and God is showing me how my choices make a difference in the lives of those I love.
I pray that as we go back home to Indy and people ask me how our weekend was that I will chose to dwell on the blessings and not the little inconveniences. I will chose to not dwell on what is wrong but on all I was given this weekend. I pray that I will glorify and bring praise with my lips. For the Lord is good and has done great things in my life.