The "happiest" place on earth

So this past week we were on vacation and I am thankful for the opportunity to get away and go to my happy place. I was able to go on vacation to Disney World for a week which really the happiest place on earth in my opinion. However, while we are on vacation friends who were traveling with us lost their grandmother unexpectedly, a friend from college lost her infant son, and a dear lady that I knew lost a battle with breast cancer. It reminded me that life is never to be taken for granted and to be grateful for every situation. It, also, reminded me of the Hope that I have of a future beyond this world and the urgency to want to share that with everyone I know. For in midst of tragedy God will make himself known and He will give us renewed hope of life with Him eternally. I am thankful for all that the Lord is showing me and teaching me right now in this season of my life. I believe that I am in a season where God is really pouring into me and I am growing spiritually everyday by the bucket full. I can't believe how much He must have in store for me because of the lessons I am learning everyday. I am also learning that these lessons aren't for my benefit they are to bring others closer to Him and the truth of His word.
There were so many times this past week when I wanted to quit my job and just move to FL and work for Disney World. For I do love being there and the joy of seeing people of all ages experience "the magic" for the first time. I love hearing the different languages and people represented there. I love that I can ride next to someone and even though we don't speak the same language we understand that each other and the joy we both feel. It is a joy that is contagious and I want to be a part of it. However, there is a bigger joy that I feel that is so consuming there are no words. It is an unspeakable joy that floods our hearts and spirits and that is the Joy that only comes from the Lord. It is far more greater than anything of this world and no matter how much I love Disney World it can in no way compare to that of the Joy of the Lord. It is the only joy that when in the midst of losing a child can cause a couple to be thankful and sing praises to the Lord. So I know that at this stage of my life I am being prepared for "work" sharing this Joy and this Love that consumes my life. I know the call that has been placed upon my life and even though the earthly treasures of this life are tempting they hold nothing on the Hope I have in Christ Jesus. He is my rock and my salvation and my life is not mine but was bought with the highest sacrifice and belongs to God to use how He desires. However, I can honestly say as I have gotten older and more mature in faith in God that the desire to do full time ministry is much larger than even the desire to work for Disney World....which has always been a life long wish of mine.

He is still working on me

So there has been this reoccuring theme in my life the last few months. It is choices....or maybe just actively taking ownership of what I do everyday. I have really come to believe that so much of what we do is a conscious decision requiring both thought and prayer. I also have seen God really work in areas of my life to bring Him glory and teach me lessons. I love when God shows up and teaches us a lesson or shows us more about us in areas we don't realize need it. I have really been doubting my leadership a lot the couple of weeks. Work was crazy and I was really torn down and doubting what I was doing with my life. I didn't know if it was the right carreer choice or what God was trying to show me. I still am a little confused and doing a lot of processing but have definetly seen God show His hand in everything. We are on vacation this week and I have seen how I am naturally a leader. I naturally take charge, plan things out and make sure they are executed properlly. I, also, have seen how those around me look at me for direction...sometimes literally as we have been navigating around a lot....but just to see what plans are or the actions that need to be taken. I have also seen that my fear of confrontation gets in the way. I know there are times that it is neccassary and that being a good leader means confronting what you need to. I look at Jesus in the synagogue or Jesus with the Pharasis. I look at the way Paul was speaking out against what was evil and confronting both the Christian and nonchristian community. It is all over the bible where men and women of faith have had to rise up and become a voice of truth and justice. There very nature of God is one that is both the Ultimate Judge and yet is the purest of love. I am very much a peace maker. I want everyone to get along and work dillegently at times to be the mediator in stressful situations. I still believe that there are times when I will be called to be just that a mediator. However there are times when I am called to to be more decisive in my decision making and times I am called to confront that which is wrong. I get very anxious when people are upset with me and try to avoid it all cost. However, I am really seeing how that tendency can cause myself and others harm sometimes physical sometimes not. When I was a nanny I learned very quickly how to discipline in a loving way and how to gain contol of the situation. It wasn't that I didn't love the girls but I was confident that my decision would be for the benifet of myself and them. I right now am trying to channel that same thinking when dealing with a staff or put into another leadership oppertunity. There are times when I will have to be stern and they may get mad and throw a fit but I know that I have the knowledge and training to make the right decision. Again, it is a choice I have to make to be the type of leader I want to be. It is also a choice I have to be confront that which is put before me whether I want to or not. I am just thankful that God is continueing to work on me and make me the person He desires of me. I remember a song from junior church when I was little and it so very fitting I will leave you with it.

He is still working on me
to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars
the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
Oh how special I must be..
for He is still working on me

Using my weakness for His gain

I have had the opportunity this week to see God work in more than one occasion. He truly is making opportunities to shine in my weakness. Through a situation at work not going the way I had wanted and a change that I had wanted ended up not happening God has opened up conversations about Him. I am so thankful to serve a God that can turn my weakness into His blessing. I was wanting to go to a larger branch but because of an audit that didn't go the way we would have wanted that is not going to happen now. I have had a couple of coworkers ask me what I thought or how I felt which has in turn left me having the opportunity to share my faith. This week has been hard to say the least. I have been humbled to the point of tears at certain points, and some hard conversations between me and some other people. However, all of it has been worth it to see God open up doors and conversations. When originally David and I talked about the possibility of me moving and what it could mean for us I was sure it was the right step for me professionally. However, I kept praying that if it wasn't God's plan that He would intervene. Even though, I will admit I didn't really want Him too and I wanted to selfishly have the "honor" of a bigger a branch. I had gotten prideful in the possible move and was really thinking only of myself. Well, God moved in a way that only He could have and like I said it is not going to happen now. I learned a big dose of humility but am so glad to serve a God that disciplines me with love. I can't believe how many times this week I have relied on Him and really prayed for Him to give me strength and calmness. I have really prayed over my employees and the other people in my branch. I am really clinging onto Him to see me through this time and to continue to show me those hard lessons. It is so neat though to see Him shine through and to think He loves me enough to want to work through me. I know that my steps are outlined by God and that when the right time comes He will place me where He wants. However He is still working on me and has plans for me where I am. I am thankful that He showed me that I am not as prepared as I thought I was and that I still have things to learn. I am thankful to have not been put in a situation that I couldn't handle. Most of all I am thankful for the peace of God that does transend all understanding.

turning worries into praise

What a couple of days. Seems like I say that a lot lately. I guess that is what being an adult is though. Right? So this blog is going to be rather candid. I am struggling tonight with a few things and I just want to get out my th0ughts honestly. My prayer is that if anyone reads this at some point and you can relate than you will know that God is with us even when we don't see or feel Him. I hate not being in control. I get very anxious and my stomach begins to cramp when I start feeling worried and extremely anxious about things. In the past I have had anxiety attacks and that is part of what would lead at times to me lying and running from a situation. It is only through the Grace of God and others that over the past few years I have dealt with and worked through very difficult situations. Part of the reasoning is how I grew up and partly I think it is part of the sinful nature that is inside of me. I bet over the past 4 hours I have said Philippians 4:6-7 about 100 times. I am having a "test" of sorts at work this week and it isn't going well. To make it worse the past two days I haven't been there because David and I took a long weekend to be with each other for our anniversary. We have a had a stressful year and needed some time together. However, as life goes the first day together started with a phone call saying "She's here" I knew that meant I had to get up and go to work for couple of hours to prepare them for what was happening. I did and as I left yesterday I was obviously falsely confident in how I had prepared my staff. I thought I had given them the necessary skills they needed but it doesn't quite look that way. I know also that I am a rather prideful person and I let my pride stand in the way I guess. I work very hard but there is always room for growth. Well even though I haven't been there with them I am sure learning a lot about myself and my management style. I am learning a lot about my fears that lead me t0 not be confident when I should and be too confident to see the flaws in my style. I believe that the Lord placed me at my job for a reason and I honestly do work very hard at what I do. My parents taught us that you better do the best job you can because you never know when something will happen. Anyhow, I don't really want to just vent about the things I can't control. What I do what to make known or say I guess is that sometimes life just stinks. I just have to learn that is that by worrying about what I can't control and by being upset I am not going to accomplish anything. After all, who by worrying can add a single day to their life? Right? I believe we have all heard that and it is true. I know that God is good and just. He gives and He takes away but His love endures forever. I love worship songs and I love that after playing just a few over in my mind it does calm my soul. I know there are always going to be things that I don't understand or that I wonder about, but I know that even though they seem to be life consuming at the time. They are not. This life is short and it is not mine to waste worrying about what I can't can't control. For really isn't the root of worry Pride. I mean worrying is about me and what will happen to some sort of aspect of my life. So I will not worry I will not sin. I will turn to the one who made me and Thank Him for all He does everyday. I will Thank Him for the teachable moments in life and the for being my constant. I will Thank Him for loving me enough to discipline and teach me. I will Thank Him for giving me a husband who is supportive in all I do. I will Thank Him for the promise of life with Him where there are no more worries. I will Thank Him for the freedom to express myself and not be persecuted. I will Thank Him for a family who loves me despite my faults. I will Thank Him for preparing the way for me as I go back to work and deal with what is going on. I Thank Him for the Peace of God which does guard my heart and mind forever.

He understands

I have caught myself a couple of times over the past few weeks crying out to God because I felt like I am alone and that no matter how much someone loves me they just don't get it or understand. One of the misconceptions in life and the world's view of relationships is that the other person completes you. One of the things I am thankful for is that by getting married in my late 20's I had really come secure in who I am and my relationship with God. I know that David loves me very much but we are also very different so there are times in the midst of life's issues that I am left feeling that no one gets it. Yesterday, on my way home from work was one of those moments. I had had a crazy last couple hours and upon getting off work I just wanted to vent so of course I made a couple of phone calls. However, they were busy and I was left feeling alone and that no matter how much someone loves me they can't be there a 100% of the time. I then found myself crying out to God that I just wanted someone to listen to me and get what I was saying. It was at that moment that I felt God gently pull me into His pressence and let me know that He got me and that He wanted nothing more than to listen to me. So even though I am sure other drivers might have thought that I was crazy I began to pore my heart out to the Lord. He comforted me with His spirit and He listen without judgement as I became real before Him. I was reminded of Jesus in the desert for 40 days and how I am sure during that time he had no one physically who completely understood what his preparing for ministry was about. I was also reminded of the Last Supper and the Garden of Gethsemane and how I am sure no one knew what was going to take place and the agony that Christ was in. As I cried out that no one understands God gently said He does and I knew He did.

Choices......yet again

I petitioned a couple of weeks ago for prayer for David and I as I begin to blog about a couple areas very close to our heart. I personally have been praying about the right way to approach them or the way to blog being both respectfulof David and glorifying to God. I also continue to pray for guidance as these issues/struggles are very real and very painful in ways. However, when faced with these struggles I knew God was leading me to share them with women for His Glory. I truly believe my life is to be used as a living testimony to the power and strength that comes through the Lord Jesus Christ. Growing up "hiding the truth" or "pretending to be perfect" leaves me with a false since of pride and security. The Lord over the past 10 years has shown me the true freedom that comes through Christ and giving Him control. I have experienced the joy of living a life open and honest. Sometimes David jokes that I went from one extreme to the other from hiding the truth of my life to wanting to share everything.
So as I begin to write about these areas I pray that God guides my fingers across the keyboard and blesses those that read it as well as David and I. We are dedicated to each other and to the opening up of our lives for the light of God to shine through. As I wrote yesterday God has been blessing me and showing me how His fingerprints are all over our life right now. David and I have had some struggles over the past four years of our marriage that have been really difficult. As do most marriages. However the past four months in particular have been even harder as a lot has come out. I have blogged and mentioned in previous posts the lesson I am learning with "choices". Marriage and love is so often a choice. Sometimes it is a feeling but often times it is a choice. A choice to stay married and honor your covenant with each other and God. It is the choice to start anew and fresh everyday. It is a choice to forgive each other daily, sometimes multiple times. It is the choice to work together to understand each other and what makes each other different. It is the choice to accept what life brings and learn how to deal with it. Now there are days I wake up and yes I "feel" loved and I "feel" like loving David the way he needs and deserves. However reality is that is not everyday, and anyone that is married or in a relationship knows this. Marriage is made up of two broken people in a broken world so it will be broken. However that is the joyous aspect of having a God centered marriage. God is the third string that weaves us together in a way that Satan and this world can't touch. I have "love is" written on my bathroom mirror as a constant reminder that I chose what I want love to look like. I also have written 1 Cor 13:4-7 on our bedroom vanity mirror so every night before I go to bed I see what God says love is. I then have the choice to honor God and follow His design for love and marriage or not. For me someone who is a very visual person and needs the constant reminders it has changed our marriage over the past 18 months they have been there.
David and I didn't get married until I was 28 and by all accounts I will admit that I pushed for the marriage to happen as quick as it did. I like most women had my idea of what a "husband", and a "marriage" was to look and feel like. I went in with a lot of unrealistic expectations. I grew up like all little girls imagining my prince. I had designed him, and I wanted David to become or be that figment of my imagination. The last few years before marriage as my relationship with God began to really deepen and form I had developed in my mind an image of a man who was part Paul, Moses, Peter, David, John, James and Prince Charming mixed in with a little Billy Graham, Max Lacado and John Piper. Needless to say it was not the most tangible realistic expectation to put on David. However truthfully it was there and in the back of my mind I would get angry when David didn't match up. It took me quite a few months and truthfully over 2 1/2 years into our marriage until I truly repented of this and asked God to show me how to love David for David and not who I wanted him to be. I will remember that Sunday afternoon in February 2010 as we came home from church and my heart was broken. God was speaking to me and had me go before David to confess and repent of this. As we knelt beside the side of the bed and prayed over 1 Cor. 13, and myself over Psalm 31 I felt the strongholds began to lift from our marriage. God began to move that day and has continued over the past 18 months a lot. I would love to say that at that moment and going forward our relationship began to mimic that of the bride of Christ and Christ. I would love to say that we now have no huge issues and are so in love. Now I can say that I love David more than I did at that point or even when we meant. In fact I am loving him more everyday. However, the last 18 months have been hard and there has been hurt between the both of us. I am just thankful for all that God is doing and continues to do.
I guess I will leave this post with that thought for today that marriage is so full of choices and love after all is sometimes a choice, but remember the choice that Christ made for His church when he laid down His life on the cross. I think sometimes as Christians we feel that we have to have the "perfect" marriage. I know that I was ashamed to tell people that we have struggles and we are in counseling to help us talk through and work through those areas. However we are I am thankful for a husband who has made the choice to work through our issues, his issues and let me work through mine as we walk through life together. I am thankful for a God who gives me the freedom to write publicly about Him and the difference He makes in my life everyday. I am also thankful for any of you that are reading this. I hope if you have struggled in your marriage or any relationship that you know that it is okay, and that God is right there by your side wanting to help you through. In 1 Peter 5:6-7 we are instructed to humble ourselves and lift our burdens on the Lord so He can lift us up because He cares for us. He is there it's up to us, our choice, if we let Him in.

Answered Prayer

When I first started blogging again in one of my first posts I stated how I had no personal computer but I wanted to be diligent and blogging and following what I believe was the hand of God. Well I am here to just give some confirmation that came in the form of answered prayer. I knew with no home computer it would be difficult for me to blog how I felt led to. However, today a month after I started blogging again I am typing this from our new netbook. This past weekend we were visiting STL and David's parents gave us his moms old netbook. I feel so blessed to have supporting loving in-laws, but more importantly I serve a God who cares about all my needs. I also was thankful that this past weekend was an amazing weekend in STL. It had seemed that the past couple trips we had come into some bad luck when traveling. I had gotten sick, car trouble, just overall not the best luck. However this past weekend was about as perfect as possible. Aside from not visiting all the friends I would have like to.
I have been blown away the last few days with seeing all God is doing to answer my prayers both big and small. Sometimes perhaps not the way I wanted but I am seeing the fingerprints of God really working and weaving together aspects of my life. God has really been answering a huge prayer of working on David's and I relationship. We have been dealing with a couple big issues and over the last couple weeks I have really seen God show us that He is truly in control. He alone has been our rock and our salvation and we are seeing that big time right now. So today I wanted to make this blog just thank God for all He has done and continues to do.