Changes

After two plus months of prayer and talking things over with our friends and family David and I made the decision for me to step down from my position at work and go part-time. This is actually my last week working as an ABM here at my current location. We are very excited and know that this decision will be blessed. I have wanted to do ministry full time for many years and I will be devoting more time to that. I ask for continued prayer as this decision comes with great financial sacrifice on our part. However, it was time for me to really step out and answer the call that has been placed on my life. I know that God is good and He is faithful to those that follow Him. He is our provider and our comfort so I am sure that as we rely on Him through this blessings will come.


Specifically prayers I ask for:


1. Continued Peace. As it has become more of a reality, reality has set in. I am praying specifically that I would not worry as to how things will work out. I know that God's hand has been all over this decision. A couple of weeks ago at church there was a sermon on sacrifice and how it is meant to be something that is hard and can be felt but God has always provided and blessed sacrifice.


2. David and I would continue to draw near to each other and God through this time. There is some added stress as things are not known. I have faith that God will continue to bring us together and I am confident that this change will be one that brings us together.


3. I pray for David as he will be taking more of the financial responsibility for our family. I know that he will do amazing and his support for me during this process has been amazing. There is an opportunity in the horizon that we are praying will work out. I know that God has our steps directed for us as we are following him.


4. Financially things to work out. I know that this decision is cutting my salary in 1/3 and I pray that God works out the difference. I know there are some things that David and I have been doing in the past year to help us prepare for this as we have been becoming financially free. I just pray that all the little details continue to work and I have faith that they will.


5. Continued guidance for us as we are trusting in the Lord with our future. We really are at agreement that the Lord's plans far out way any of ours. We are continuing to trust and believe in Him to open doors and lead us.





I leave you with verse that right now has been the ever lasting prayer and comfort for us... Psalm 37:23.


"The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives."

Thankful

Life has been crazy the last couple of weeks. We are still preparing for some changes with my career and such. I am getting excited to see what God has in store for David and I. However, as of now it is still going very hectic and busy. That paired with this seasonal cold has left me down and at the past couple of weeks. However, as Thanksgiving was fastly approaching and company coming into town I began to be less thankful and more stressed. However, yesterday came and even though it didn't go as planned it was great. I got to thinking about how that is very much how life goes a lot of times. I sit and plan something often stressing about the details for things to change usually resulting in a better outcome. I picture God sitting there with a smile as He again chooses to bless me despite my failed attempt to control. I am thankful for many things this Thanksgiving season. I am thankful that David and I were surrounded yesterday with people we love and love us in return. I am thankful for a husband who is so supportive of me through all my dreams no matter how big or little they may be. I am thankful for a niece and mother-n-law who are amazing cooks and worked so hard to prepare a feast for a king. I am thankful for a being able to come around my brother's table all 12 of us and have a nice civilized dinner where 7 of the guests where children. I am thankful for the invitation David and I had to attend a couple dinners we weren't able to get to. My cup truly runneth over and I know I am only beginning to tap into the blessings God has for David and I. I above all am thankful for the grace that God gives me everyday that is so abounding and yet I only understand a portion of it. I am thankful to live in a country where I am free to express my beliefs openly without fear of retaliation. I am thankful for a day set aside to force me to relax enjoy and be thankful as I prepare my heart this Holiday season.

Changes are coming

This one is not about adoption necessarily but just a little note to say that some changes are in the near future for myself. Over the past few weeks I have seen God shut some doors and open a few windows. David and I have been doing a lot of praying and talking with our pastor and a couple of other people whose opinions we trust. We still haven't announced the changes to our families but be on the look out for a lot more posts from me. We are trusting God that the steps that we are taking will blessed as we are seeking to honor Him more. I am overwhelmed with excitement as I think about all that He is doing and to see what doors will continue to open.

More thoughts

I thank those who have either commented her or on facebook saying that you are remembering us in prayer or thinking about us. I appreciate that more than you know. It is one of the things I like most about being a woman and defently one of the reasons I want to do women's ministry.....I love the encouragement that women can bring each other. I know that there are other women out there who have/and are currently experiencing the same emotions as I when it comes to fertility issues and such. Last year my husband and I were blessed with finding out we were pregnant to only find out a short time later that we were not. It was by far the most emotional and most painful experience I have been through. I will never forget the joy in David's eyes as he looked down at the pregnancy test( our second for that day) and saw "pregnant". It was something we both had been wanting for a long time, and in the past 2 years we have taken a lot of tests so having two come up pregnant was a truly new and joyous occasion. We sat there in our living room and cried, praised God and dreamed about the future. Of course I had to tell my Best Friend and our moms. For all of them knew that we had been praying for that moment for a long time and they all knew the pain I felt of not having any success in previous attempts. Over the next few days it was if we were in a whirlwind as we waited to have my blood work and Dr to confirm. However, everyone that we had contacted just family and my brother who works for the lab confirmed that it really was just a formality at that point. We went online and figured about the due date and conception. We were doing what I assume any expectant parents would do. We prayed a lot and praised a lot. We then received the news that I was not pregnant. They called it a chemical miscarriage and that it may never happen again but to just keep going like we were and perhaps I will get pregnant again and this time carry the child to full term. I can also remember and not forget the pain I felt and still feel as David and I laid there and cried. Even now as I think back and relive those moments in my head I still tear up. It left me feeling like I was broken or had done something wrong. David just kept asking why? Why did we have to go through this? Why did it happen to us, and would it happen again? I still don't have any answers and perhaps I never will. However, I know that God used that to eventually bring David and I closer together. I believe now more than ever that God is Omnipotent and that He is always my rock no matter in good or bad. I also know and believe that it is just part of my story that God will use to bring others to Him.
There are still times when I find myself getting jealous or questioning when I find out that someone is expecting a child. I am genuinely happy for the person as I know the joy they must be feeling, but I also grieve a little for me and those others that I know that long to have that feeling. I trust in Psalm 139 and know that God has been there through all of this and will be there forever. He truly does hold me and all others that have gone through this. I pray that if anyone else out there has experienced the loss of a child or the loss of not being able to have a child that they know the overwhelming comfort of God. I, also, hope that you know it is okay and natural to have all sorts of different emotions. You are not alone.....God is here as well as myself and other women.

Thoughts

With this being adoption awareness month I thought I would dedicate the blogs this month to adoption and why it has become such an issue in our life. One of the closest and most emotional topics that I have dealt with and deal with is having children. Since I can remember all I wanted to do was be a wife and a mother. Children have been such an big part of my life and even David and I's life as a couple. I had this great plan that David and I would get married and have a child pretty quickly. I mean why not we are a loving couple who loves children and the Lord. It is how things are suppose to happen, Right? Well, in life it doesn't always happen that way. David and I have had trouble with fertility since we have been married and haven't been successful as of now. As a woman it leaves me with a lot of emotion which as a very emotional person leaves me very drained. As I look for comfort I have fallen in love with the story of Hannah and how she cried out very honestly to the Lord. I read through her prayer of being barren and see both the despair and the honesty that she expresses to both God and her husband. As I begin to read through 1 Samuel I can relate, find comfort and have hope in the words written so many years ago. It brings up so many emotions.....despair, shame, insecurity, jealousy, hopelessness, and loneliness to name a few. I know that I am not the only woman and that David and I are not the only couple who face this. I know personally of a few friends who have gone through this and have seen the way it has affect them and their marriages. Whenever I am going through a trial I always think two things.....1. What can I learn from this and 2. How can God use this to reach others? So I have decided that over this month since it is adoption awareness month I will blog specifically about what it is like to want children and not have any. I hope that others are uplifted through this. I ask for prayers as I begin to open up about a subject that is very painful for me.

Adoption Awareness Month

Happy Adoption Awareness Month! Adoption is very special to our family as most know my husband and three of his siblings are adopted so it holds a very special place. It is also something that David and I have talked/prayed/looked into and really feel called to do. We believe that the Lord will use us to make a home for the orphans. I am not sure in what light and I pray that we are both continually open to path of the Lord. We started actively pursing adoption about 14 months ago. However we have been talking about since before we were married both knowing individually that the Lord wanted us to one day adopt. David's love for children is one of the things that led me into him in the beginning. David being adopted himself from South Korea we always felt like we would want to also adopt from South Korea. Kind of a way to bring the process full circle. One of the stipulations for South Korea adoption is that you have to be married for three years. So on our 3rd anniversary we set off to start the process. Having moved from Missouri to Indiana we began to look into the adoption agency that we could work with. We went to seminars talked with fellow adoptive parents and set out to adopt. We were then meant with news that because of my size they would not work with us. We informed them that I have had the Lapband and was actively losing weight so would they keep us in mind. At that time it was agreed upon that we would wait until the January and then try again. Well January came and we got a letter saying they aren't accepting new couples into the program but will try again mid year. Then in June we received a letter saying they are closing the program for now. So needless to say we are another year out and really trying to pray about what door God wants us to proceed through. We both believe that there are children here in the US that need homes and would benefit from us. So we have really been trying to work actively at paying off bills so that we can pursue adoption like we would like. It is extremely expensive. I know that money is no obstacle for the Lord though. I have faith that the Lord will add to our family when the time is appropriate. It is a struggle for me though and something that I want to happen a lot. I will blog more on that later this month. For now I thank all of those who have added to their family through adoption especially my in-laws. They opened their home and their hearts to answer the call to care for the orphans and I am in turned blessed with an amazing husband who loves the Lord and me very much.

The "happiest" place on earth

So this past week we were on vacation and I am thankful for the opportunity to get away and go to my happy place. I was able to go on vacation to Disney World for a week which really the happiest place on earth in my opinion. However, while we are on vacation friends who were traveling with us lost their grandmother unexpectedly, a friend from college lost her infant son, and a dear lady that I knew lost a battle with breast cancer. It reminded me that life is never to be taken for granted and to be grateful for every situation. It, also, reminded me of the Hope that I have of a future beyond this world and the urgency to want to share that with everyone I know. For in midst of tragedy God will make himself known and He will give us renewed hope of life with Him eternally. I am thankful for all that the Lord is showing me and teaching me right now in this season of my life. I believe that I am in a season where God is really pouring into me and I am growing spiritually everyday by the bucket full. I can't believe how much He must have in store for me because of the lessons I am learning everyday. I am also learning that these lessons aren't for my benefit they are to bring others closer to Him and the truth of His word.
There were so many times this past week when I wanted to quit my job and just move to FL and work for Disney World. For I do love being there and the joy of seeing people of all ages experience "the magic" for the first time. I love hearing the different languages and people represented there. I love that I can ride next to someone and even though we don't speak the same language we understand that each other and the joy we both feel. It is a joy that is contagious and I want to be a part of it. However, there is a bigger joy that I feel that is so consuming there are no words. It is an unspeakable joy that floods our hearts and spirits and that is the Joy that only comes from the Lord. It is far more greater than anything of this world and no matter how much I love Disney World it can in no way compare to that of the Joy of the Lord. It is the only joy that when in the midst of losing a child can cause a couple to be thankful and sing praises to the Lord. So I know that at this stage of my life I am being prepared for "work" sharing this Joy and this Love that consumes my life. I know the call that has been placed upon my life and even though the earthly treasures of this life are tempting they hold nothing on the Hope I have in Christ Jesus. He is my rock and my salvation and my life is not mine but was bought with the highest sacrifice and belongs to God to use how He desires. However, I can honestly say as I have gotten older and more mature in faith in God that the desire to do full time ministry is much larger than even the desire to work for Disney World....which has always been a life long wish of mine.

He is still working on me

So there has been this reoccuring theme in my life the last few months. It is choices....or maybe just actively taking ownership of what I do everyday. I have really come to believe that so much of what we do is a conscious decision requiring both thought and prayer. I also have seen God really work in areas of my life to bring Him glory and teach me lessons. I love when God shows up and teaches us a lesson or shows us more about us in areas we don't realize need it. I have really been doubting my leadership a lot the couple of weeks. Work was crazy and I was really torn down and doubting what I was doing with my life. I didn't know if it was the right carreer choice or what God was trying to show me. I still am a little confused and doing a lot of processing but have definetly seen God show His hand in everything. We are on vacation this week and I have seen how I am naturally a leader. I naturally take charge, plan things out and make sure they are executed properlly. I, also, have seen how those around me look at me for direction...sometimes literally as we have been navigating around a lot....but just to see what plans are or the actions that need to be taken. I have also seen that my fear of confrontation gets in the way. I know there are times that it is neccassary and that being a good leader means confronting what you need to. I look at Jesus in the synagogue or Jesus with the Pharasis. I look at the way Paul was speaking out against what was evil and confronting both the Christian and nonchristian community. It is all over the bible where men and women of faith have had to rise up and become a voice of truth and justice. There very nature of God is one that is both the Ultimate Judge and yet is the purest of love. I am very much a peace maker. I want everyone to get along and work dillegently at times to be the mediator in stressful situations. I still believe that there are times when I will be called to be just that a mediator. However there are times when I am called to to be more decisive in my decision making and times I am called to confront that which is wrong. I get very anxious when people are upset with me and try to avoid it all cost. However, I am really seeing how that tendency can cause myself and others harm sometimes physical sometimes not. When I was a nanny I learned very quickly how to discipline in a loving way and how to gain contol of the situation. It wasn't that I didn't love the girls but I was confident that my decision would be for the benifet of myself and them. I right now am trying to channel that same thinking when dealing with a staff or put into another leadership oppertunity. There are times when I will have to be stern and they may get mad and throw a fit but I know that I have the knowledge and training to make the right decision. Again, it is a choice I have to make to be the type of leader I want to be. It is also a choice I have to be confront that which is put before me whether I want to or not. I am just thankful that God is continueing to work on me and make me the person He desires of me. I remember a song from junior church when I was little and it so very fitting I will leave you with it.

He is still working on me
to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars
the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
Oh how special I must be..
for He is still working on me

Using my weakness for His gain

I have had the opportunity this week to see God work in more than one occasion. He truly is making opportunities to shine in my weakness. Through a situation at work not going the way I had wanted and a change that I had wanted ended up not happening God has opened up conversations about Him. I am so thankful to serve a God that can turn my weakness into His blessing. I was wanting to go to a larger branch but because of an audit that didn't go the way we would have wanted that is not going to happen now. I have had a couple of coworkers ask me what I thought or how I felt which has in turn left me having the opportunity to share my faith. This week has been hard to say the least. I have been humbled to the point of tears at certain points, and some hard conversations between me and some other people. However, all of it has been worth it to see God open up doors and conversations. When originally David and I talked about the possibility of me moving and what it could mean for us I was sure it was the right step for me professionally. However, I kept praying that if it wasn't God's plan that He would intervene. Even though, I will admit I didn't really want Him too and I wanted to selfishly have the "honor" of a bigger a branch. I had gotten prideful in the possible move and was really thinking only of myself. Well, God moved in a way that only He could have and like I said it is not going to happen now. I learned a big dose of humility but am so glad to serve a God that disciplines me with love. I can't believe how many times this week I have relied on Him and really prayed for Him to give me strength and calmness. I have really prayed over my employees and the other people in my branch. I am really clinging onto Him to see me through this time and to continue to show me those hard lessons. It is so neat though to see Him shine through and to think He loves me enough to want to work through me. I know that my steps are outlined by God and that when the right time comes He will place me where He wants. However He is still working on me and has plans for me where I am. I am thankful that He showed me that I am not as prepared as I thought I was and that I still have things to learn. I am thankful to have not been put in a situation that I couldn't handle. Most of all I am thankful for the peace of God that does transend all understanding.

turning worries into praise

What a couple of days. Seems like I say that a lot lately. I guess that is what being an adult is though. Right? So this blog is going to be rather candid. I am struggling tonight with a few things and I just want to get out my th0ughts honestly. My prayer is that if anyone reads this at some point and you can relate than you will know that God is with us even when we don't see or feel Him. I hate not being in control. I get very anxious and my stomach begins to cramp when I start feeling worried and extremely anxious about things. In the past I have had anxiety attacks and that is part of what would lead at times to me lying and running from a situation. It is only through the Grace of God and others that over the past few years I have dealt with and worked through very difficult situations. Part of the reasoning is how I grew up and partly I think it is part of the sinful nature that is inside of me. I bet over the past 4 hours I have said Philippians 4:6-7 about 100 times. I am having a "test" of sorts at work this week and it isn't going well. To make it worse the past two days I haven't been there because David and I took a long weekend to be with each other for our anniversary. We have a had a stressful year and needed some time together. However, as life goes the first day together started with a phone call saying "She's here" I knew that meant I had to get up and go to work for couple of hours to prepare them for what was happening. I did and as I left yesterday I was obviously falsely confident in how I had prepared my staff. I thought I had given them the necessary skills they needed but it doesn't quite look that way. I know also that I am a rather prideful person and I let my pride stand in the way I guess. I work very hard but there is always room for growth. Well even though I haven't been there with them I am sure learning a lot about myself and my management style. I am learning a lot about my fears that lead me t0 not be confident when I should and be too confident to see the flaws in my style. I believe that the Lord placed me at my job for a reason and I honestly do work very hard at what I do. My parents taught us that you better do the best job you can because you never know when something will happen. Anyhow, I don't really want to just vent about the things I can't control. What I do what to make known or say I guess is that sometimes life just stinks. I just have to learn that is that by worrying about what I can't control and by being upset I am not going to accomplish anything. After all, who by worrying can add a single day to their life? Right? I believe we have all heard that and it is true. I know that God is good and just. He gives and He takes away but His love endures forever. I love worship songs and I love that after playing just a few over in my mind it does calm my soul. I know there are always going to be things that I don't understand or that I wonder about, but I know that even though they seem to be life consuming at the time. They are not. This life is short and it is not mine to waste worrying about what I can't can't control. For really isn't the root of worry Pride. I mean worrying is about me and what will happen to some sort of aspect of my life. So I will not worry I will not sin. I will turn to the one who made me and Thank Him for all He does everyday. I will Thank Him for the teachable moments in life and the for being my constant. I will Thank Him for loving me enough to discipline and teach me. I will Thank Him for giving me a husband who is supportive in all I do. I will Thank Him for the promise of life with Him where there are no more worries. I will Thank Him for the freedom to express myself and not be persecuted. I will Thank Him for a family who loves me despite my faults. I will Thank Him for preparing the way for me as I go back to work and deal with what is going on. I Thank Him for the Peace of God which does guard my heart and mind forever.

He understands

I have caught myself a couple of times over the past few weeks crying out to God because I felt like I am alone and that no matter how much someone loves me they just don't get it or understand. One of the misconceptions in life and the world's view of relationships is that the other person completes you. One of the things I am thankful for is that by getting married in my late 20's I had really come secure in who I am and my relationship with God. I know that David loves me very much but we are also very different so there are times in the midst of life's issues that I am left feeling that no one gets it. Yesterday, on my way home from work was one of those moments. I had had a crazy last couple hours and upon getting off work I just wanted to vent so of course I made a couple of phone calls. However, they were busy and I was left feeling alone and that no matter how much someone loves me they can't be there a 100% of the time. I then found myself crying out to God that I just wanted someone to listen to me and get what I was saying. It was at that moment that I felt God gently pull me into His pressence and let me know that He got me and that He wanted nothing more than to listen to me. So even though I am sure other drivers might have thought that I was crazy I began to pore my heart out to the Lord. He comforted me with His spirit and He listen without judgement as I became real before Him. I was reminded of Jesus in the desert for 40 days and how I am sure during that time he had no one physically who completely understood what his preparing for ministry was about. I was also reminded of the Last Supper and the Garden of Gethsemane and how I am sure no one knew what was going to take place and the agony that Christ was in. As I cried out that no one understands God gently said He does and I knew He did.

Choices......yet again

I petitioned a couple of weeks ago for prayer for David and I as I begin to blog about a couple areas very close to our heart. I personally have been praying about the right way to approach them or the way to blog being both respectfulof David and glorifying to God. I also continue to pray for guidance as these issues/struggles are very real and very painful in ways. However, when faced with these struggles I knew God was leading me to share them with women for His Glory. I truly believe my life is to be used as a living testimony to the power and strength that comes through the Lord Jesus Christ. Growing up "hiding the truth" or "pretending to be perfect" leaves me with a false since of pride and security. The Lord over the past 10 years has shown me the true freedom that comes through Christ and giving Him control. I have experienced the joy of living a life open and honest. Sometimes David jokes that I went from one extreme to the other from hiding the truth of my life to wanting to share everything.
So as I begin to write about these areas I pray that God guides my fingers across the keyboard and blesses those that read it as well as David and I. We are dedicated to each other and to the opening up of our lives for the light of God to shine through. As I wrote yesterday God has been blessing me and showing me how His fingerprints are all over our life right now. David and I have had some struggles over the past four years of our marriage that have been really difficult. As do most marriages. However the past four months in particular have been even harder as a lot has come out. I have blogged and mentioned in previous posts the lesson I am learning with "choices". Marriage and love is so often a choice. Sometimes it is a feeling but often times it is a choice. A choice to stay married and honor your covenant with each other and God. It is the choice to start anew and fresh everyday. It is a choice to forgive each other daily, sometimes multiple times. It is the choice to work together to understand each other and what makes each other different. It is the choice to accept what life brings and learn how to deal with it. Now there are days I wake up and yes I "feel" loved and I "feel" like loving David the way he needs and deserves. However reality is that is not everyday, and anyone that is married or in a relationship knows this. Marriage is made up of two broken people in a broken world so it will be broken. However that is the joyous aspect of having a God centered marriage. God is the third string that weaves us together in a way that Satan and this world can't touch. I have "love is" written on my bathroom mirror as a constant reminder that I chose what I want love to look like. I also have written 1 Cor 13:4-7 on our bedroom vanity mirror so every night before I go to bed I see what God says love is. I then have the choice to honor God and follow His design for love and marriage or not. For me someone who is a very visual person and needs the constant reminders it has changed our marriage over the past 18 months they have been there.
David and I didn't get married until I was 28 and by all accounts I will admit that I pushed for the marriage to happen as quick as it did. I like most women had my idea of what a "husband", and a "marriage" was to look and feel like. I went in with a lot of unrealistic expectations. I grew up like all little girls imagining my prince. I had designed him, and I wanted David to become or be that figment of my imagination. The last few years before marriage as my relationship with God began to really deepen and form I had developed in my mind an image of a man who was part Paul, Moses, Peter, David, John, James and Prince Charming mixed in with a little Billy Graham, Max Lacado and John Piper. Needless to say it was not the most tangible realistic expectation to put on David. However truthfully it was there and in the back of my mind I would get angry when David didn't match up. It took me quite a few months and truthfully over 2 1/2 years into our marriage until I truly repented of this and asked God to show me how to love David for David and not who I wanted him to be. I will remember that Sunday afternoon in February 2010 as we came home from church and my heart was broken. God was speaking to me and had me go before David to confess and repent of this. As we knelt beside the side of the bed and prayed over 1 Cor. 13, and myself over Psalm 31 I felt the strongholds began to lift from our marriage. God began to move that day and has continued over the past 18 months a lot. I would love to say that at that moment and going forward our relationship began to mimic that of the bride of Christ and Christ. I would love to say that we now have no huge issues and are so in love. Now I can say that I love David more than I did at that point or even when we meant. In fact I am loving him more everyday. However, the last 18 months have been hard and there has been hurt between the both of us. I am just thankful for all that God is doing and continues to do.
I guess I will leave this post with that thought for today that marriage is so full of choices and love after all is sometimes a choice, but remember the choice that Christ made for His church when he laid down His life on the cross. I think sometimes as Christians we feel that we have to have the "perfect" marriage. I know that I was ashamed to tell people that we have struggles and we are in counseling to help us talk through and work through those areas. However we are I am thankful for a husband who has made the choice to work through our issues, his issues and let me work through mine as we walk through life together. I am thankful for a God who gives me the freedom to write publicly about Him and the difference He makes in my life everyday. I am also thankful for any of you that are reading this. I hope if you have struggled in your marriage or any relationship that you know that it is okay, and that God is right there by your side wanting to help you through. In 1 Peter 5:6-7 we are instructed to humble ourselves and lift our burdens on the Lord so He can lift us up because He cares for us. He is there it's up to us, our choice, if we let Him in.

Answered Prayer

When I first started blogging again in one of my first posts I stated how I had no personal computer but I wanted to be diligent and blogging and following what I believe was the hand of God. Well I am here to just give some confirmation that came in the form of answered prayer. I knew with no home computer it would be difficult for me to blog how I felt led to. However, today a month after I started blogging again I am typing this from our new netbook. This past weekend we were visiting STL and David's parents gave us his moms old netbook. I feel so blessed to have supporting loving in-laws, but more importantly I serve a God who cares about all my needs. I also was thankful that this past weekend was an amazing weekend in STL. It had seemed that the past couple trips we had come into some bad luck when traveling. I had gotten sick, car trouble, just overall not the best luck. However this past weekend was about as perfect as possible. Aside from not visiting all the friends I would have like to.
I have been blown away the last few days with seeing all God is doing to answer my prayers both big and small. Sometimes perhaps not the way I wanted but I am seeing the fingerprints of God really working and weaving together aspects of my life. God has really been answering a huge prayer of working on David's and I relationship. We have been dealing with a couple big issues and over the last couple weeks I have really seen God show us that He is truly in control. He alone has been our rock and our salvation and we are seeing that big time right now. So today I wanted to make this blog just thank God for all He has done and continues to do.

It truly is a choice....lesson that I am learning everyday

I know the last few posts have had this as the title, but I am still learning so much about the choices we make everyday. I am taking great peace in Romans 12:1-3, just the power of transforming myself by the renewing of my mind. I love how it states that it is true worship when we do this. The Lord has been teaching me so much about how much my thoughts and my mind dictate what I do. I like to think I am somewhat of a logical person. I like to use my brain, however, I am learning more and more that the way God tells me to move and the way my brain instinctively wants me to move is usually very different. I believe that Paul writes about it when he speaks about the struggle of the sinful nature. I mean we are surrounded by this world, and the ideas it teaches us through life. Ideas on what marriage should look like, what your career should be, what a "perfect" lifestyle is, what brings one comfort, peace, and joy. All of these worldly thoughts bombard us everyday in what what we read, watch on tv, listen to, see on the shelf at the grocery store, talk about at the lunchroom or around the water cooler. Truly it is everywhere we go. So I am learning that I have a choice to listen to God and His word. I have choices in this life, and God is making me very aware of them. I love how Psalms start...in Psalm 1:1-3 it talks about not walking with the wicked but delighting in the Lord. We delight in the Lord by meditating on His Word, on the law.
One of my favorite verses ever is in Matthew 12:34, "from the overflow of the heart the mouth speaketh." I think that is such a powerful verse. I found much peace and conviction in just those 9 words. Often I will check myself when out with friends or with David about what am I talking about. For what I am talking about is what is truly on my heart and mind. Being very close to a 17 year old has made that verse come to life so much more. She is of course "in love" and hearing her talk about her boyfriend with the giddiness of a teenager makes me wonder if I get that excited speaking about the Lord. We laugh that all she thinks about is this guy, and then my nephews only think about PS3 or Combat arms. The way a child will consume themselves around what they love or are passionate about is really convicting. I believe when we could learn a lot from teenagers. I know after spending 5 minutes with any child what is really important to them. I wonder if the same could be said about me. Or better yet what is my mouth echoing that my heart is saying. What would someone say I love, or am passionate about? What am I busy thinking about it? Am I truly loving God with my mind, body and soul?

Choice to recognize a great weekend.

Wow! What a weekend. We came to St.Louis for the weekend to visit friends and celebrate the life of a amazing woman who left us. I enjoy our time in STL because it often meets seeing friends we don't get to see very often and spending time with the in-laws. It often means dinner/lunch at one of our favorite establishments. It means a little relaxation with mornings sleeping in and an occasional afternoon nap. It involves worshipping with our church family at MUMC. It often means good conversations between David and I as we make the 4 hour drive. Often it also means listening to David sing along to show tunes playing on our favorite Pandora station as we drive home. Over the past 4 years that we have been making these fun weekend trips back and forth between STL and Indy I have come to really treasure what these little trips mean to our relationship. So when we heard of the possibly of us coming I welcomed it. We came Thursday night with very little plans for the weekend. We had received some news on Thursday evening that David and I were still comprehending and trying to process on our own. More about that later. Anyhow Friday found us spending some time with a dear friend and her adorable children for lunch and some shopping and then I thought home for some relaxation by the pool. However life happened and we were in a car wreck. Now praise the Lord that no one was hurt, but I was still left very upset about why we had to deal with something else. My car was left undrivable and had to be towed to the nearest collision shop where we were informed it wouldn't be looked out until Tuesday. We now have to leave my car here in STL while we return to life in Indy for the time being. We did get a rental for now and for the most part our life is back to normal.
This morning during church the pastor made a statement that really stuck with me. Basically he made a point to make us realize all the things we have to be thankful for vs. what we have to complain about. I could easily dwell on all the car wreck or the inconvenience of dealing with a rental, trying to fix a car here in STL while living two states away and then figuring out insurance and getting my car back. Or I could chose to be thankful that no one was hurt. That we rode in a tow truck instead of an ambulance. I can chose to be thankful that that when we went to pick up the rental that they had to upgrade us for free because of lack of cars. I can be thankful for in-laws that were able to pick us up and bring us back. I can be thankful for still an amazing weekend with friends whom love us and we love. I can be thankful for the testimony of a living forgiving Christ who lives within us that we were able to share with the family who hit us. I can be thankful for a God who disciplines me with love by gently reminding me that my earthly possessions are not mine but His. I am thankful for the display of the Father's love for me as I watched the earthly father of the girl who hit us come in and "rescue" his daughter cleaning up her mess. How to often I forget how much God loves me and is working all out for my good. I am thankful for preachers who preach the truth and the Holy Spirit for letting me hear what the Lord wants me to hear. I am thankful for a God who never gives up on us, and even in the midst of trial shows His Goodness and Mercy. I am thankful for a husband who asks me how I am and cares about my well being. I am thankful for still getting to relax by the pool on Saturday afternoon. I am thankful for still having brunch at our favorite restaurant on Sunday. I am thankful for heat breaking and going on a nice brisk walk with David and the dog. I am thankful for still having tomorrow off to relax and regroup. Most of all I am thankful for the choice I get to think about the Goodness of God vs. The trials of this world. Everyday we have a choice and God is showing me how my choices make a difference in the lives of those I love.
I pray that as we go back home to Indy and people ask me how our weekend was that I will chose to dwell on the blessings and not the little inconveniences. I will chose to not dwell on what is wrong but on all I was given this weekend. I pray that I will glorify and bring praise with my lips. For the Lord is good and has done great things in my life.

It's a choice

I think it's really hard that blogspot asks me to think of a title. Sometimes I don't even fully know the path a blog will take. I start a blog with one idea in my head, but as I start to write a whole new topic is addressed. For the past 3 days I have been complenting the sermon from Sunday, and thinking/praying about how to respond. Trying to decifer what the Lord was speaking to me, and what I selfishly wanted to hear. I often relate to Paul when he writes in Romans 7 about the struggle of the sinful physical nature and the new life we have in Christ. I often refer to it as the do-do passage and I must say that has come to mind many times in past couple of days. On Sunday the pastor spoke about giving all we have....everything...for the work of the Lord. I keep asking myself what does that look like. I believe it is something that looks different for everyone depending on the how the Lord has called you. So I ask myself personally what does this mean for me? I know and have spoken about my desire to share my life openinly with others and for the Glory of God. I beleive that I go through certain stuggles because the Lord has allowed them and wants them to be used for His Glory and to shine.
I know there are a few areas that I hold onto very close. I don't like to share them out of fear, and knowing that going to the next level of vulnerablity is a scarry place. I ask for prayers and patience as I start to share about the inner places of my soul. The areas that I like to "pretend" are perfect. Pray also for David as these areas also effect him. I know God is doing a mighty work in our lives right now, and preparing us for a wonderful future in Him. I ask that you stay tuned and see what work the Lord can do when we are obedient.

What a week!

TGIF-right? I don't know if it is just me, but this week has just been long and exhausting. Not that I have a relaxing weekend ahead, but at least it will be filled with ones I love and a rejuvinating Sunday Service. I know it has been over a week since I last blogged, and I hate going this long. However, like I stated we do not have a home computer so this is not the most accessabile activity for me. I remember one time a woman told me to be obedient to whatever the Lord asks us to do, no matter how crazy at the time. I must say the passion to blog with no computer access is pretty crazy to me. However, I am sure there are a lot of Christ's followers scratching their heads right now puzzelled at how the path before them could possibly be God. Whenever I read Hebrews 11 I am blown away by the amazing men and women that paved the way before me. I can only imagine the amount of faith it took them to make huge steps of faith, and all God is asking of me is a little step to see where He can take me.
It's so easy to get lost in caught up in the life, and where it takes us. This past weekend I was sick and didn't feel good. Then I am working 6 days this week, my mom came into town, spent time watching my neices and nephews....etc....blah blah blah. Like everyone else life happens. So many times this week I have went to blog, or went to spend time in the word and just got busy doing something else or fell asleep. I just keep trying to remember Psalm 33 and 37, both speak about the joy of the Lord and the peace that comes from Him. I love Psalm 37:7a "rest in the Lord and wait patiently on Him." I love even just the first 4 words.....rest in the Lord...one version states be still before the Lord. Just the idea of truly coming before God and resting just makes my soul feel peaceful. Even as I type this and am thinking of all the outside pressures of the world, my soul finds rest and shoulders relax as I think of the peace the Lord provides. I know as women we often think of ourselves last. We are designed to take care of others and to want be busy just living and doing life. I just know that after the last 10 days of craziness my soul my inner being has longed for the rest that only comes when I am still before the Lord. My prayer is that all who read this may find rest if even for a moment or two that comes from no other place but the feet of God.

Confirmation and tests

So Sunday morning, I got a message from a friend and coworker who had read my blog and had been touched. First off to see that someone other than myself and my mother actually read this was wonderful. I was so encouraged and even more so that it was someone whom I know from my "professional" life. I have kept the two areas of my life separated for the most part. However, through a little obedience I see blessing people already. So that started off my morning, got to church and the sermon was on the same basic idea. I couldn't believe how much I felt the Lord just giving me conformation that He is working things out and this is His plan right now. What seems to always go along with God's Blessings....Satan's lies and attacks. I once had someone tell me "JoDee you know you must be doing something right when things seem to go wrong. Satan is not going to waste time on a Christian that's not making a difference." Well I must say that if yesterday afternoon is any indication than I must be in God's Will right now.
After leaving church Sunday we headed to the lake with some friends for a much needed afternoon of swimming and relaxing. I ended up locking my keys in the trunk of my car. I of course realized this just as I shut my door and locked my car leaving the alarm system to set itself. So for the next four hours David and I tried to get in the car. We did end up getting roadside assistance to let us in my door, however, the keys were in the trunk. The alarm system couldn't be turned off without the keys so I couldn't use the trunk release. So I got to enjoy the lake for about 10 minutes. David not at all. There was a point where I was trying to call AAA for the 2nd time that it started pouring. So here I sat under a towel trying to get my phone to work, and still unable to get my keys. It became almost funny because nothing was going right. So after 2 failed roadside assistance attempts and 2 failed locksmith attempts and sitting through a Severe Thunderstorm we were able to get ahold of a friend who drove us the hour home to get our spare key and hour back to retrieve my car. It took us a total of 8 hours before we were back home and relaxed.
There were many moments that I wondered why would this go on. I was on such a "spiritual high" after all. I left church ready to conquer the world, and instead felt like the world was trying to conquer me. However, I was reminded of God's word and that nothing could touch me. Romans 8:37-39 speaks about how we are more the conquerors even if I didn't feel like it at the time. I knew that I was and I could hold true on that. There were plenty of times when I could have broke down and I wanted to at times. However God helped me get through it. There are so many times when I get down trodden and feel like I am not going to be able to handle any more. However the Lord knows what we can handle, and He gives us the strength to carry on.
Now to take a moment to get just a little deeper and a little more personal. I struggled on Sunday with feeling like I wasn't loved. I grew up in a house where failure was not an option. So growing up I felt a lot of times that I was never good enough to be loved. I have struggled with being able to love and accept love especially from men. It took many years and a lot of healing from God and friendships with amazing women for me to look at myself through the right set of eyes. Part of being married is learning how each other deals in certain situations and work thru those. As I have blogged David and I have really been going trough a rough season right now, so I am sure that led to the overall stress that came on Sunday. I am not blaming David or saying he should have responded in a different way. After all it was a very frustrating situation. So I took his unresponsiveness and being quiet as his disapproval. It was hard for me to fight those inner lies that I had messed up so much that David was going to leave me and not love me. However, I have to remind myself sometimes audibly that all make mistakes. For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God(Romans 3:23). So I had my own inner struggle to call upon the scriptures to call upon God's love to remind me that I am good enough. One of my favorite verses is Zephaniah 3:17. It talks about God rejoicing in us and taking great delight because He is our Savior. It doesn't state anywhere that it His love is conditional. When I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and believed that He paid for my sins by dying on the cross and rising again than I became a new creation. So even if David or anyone on this earth did leave me or decided I was never who they wanted me to be God never will. I am His and He is mine. It is hard though to always remember that, and in the midst of adversity when my insecurities are running wild that recalling scripture can get me through.
I know personally as someone who has hated myself and struggled to accept the Love that God has openly given to me that it is easier said than done. That is why I believe so strongly that the only weapon we have is the Word of God. I never understood the importance of memorizing scripture but to be able to have those scriptures to cling to really does save us. The Scriptures can bring us out of the lies of Satan and into the Truth of God. I hope that I haven't rambled too much through this blog, and if you are still reading than thank you. I pray you are as blessed as I have been. I just get very passionate when it comes to what the Lord does for me every day in every situation.

Deep thoughts by JoDee Schenck

LOl. When I was a kid I loved to watch Saturday Night Live....you know back when it was extremely funny and for some reason didn't seem so vulgar. So those of you who may remember those days will know what I am talking about when I refer to often deep but yet not so profound thoughts. I am hoping that this is not the case with my blog, but nonethelss I am sure it will not be too deep nor too profound at times. I hope it makes you think, perhaps ponder, but most of all be encouraged by the Glory of God.
I must first give a shout out to my husband. I have been married for going on four years now, and as in all relationships there have been good and bad times. However, my husband is the one who encourages me to write on a daily basis and is my biggest supporter of this blog. My prayer is that this never becomes a venting session where I put down my husband. I hold true to the Proverbs 31 a woman of virtue, and want to bring only good to my husband no harm. Well at least most of time.... anyhow the struggles we share are profoundly personal yet he is willing to let me share them for the sake of bringing God glory. I still believe that not all are to be open for public viewing but will touch on some personally hard areas for the both of us. We have prayed and talked about this and the goal is not to ever put down or "bash" David. He is my partner and I feel blessed to have him in my life. He puts up with a lot and I thank him for his love. Now don't get me wrong we still struggle and we have our issues with eachother and with this struggle of life.
However the covenet we share and made to one another has been stronger than any thing that Satan could bring our way. Believe Satan has tried but the power of God is so much stronger. In Eccliastes 4:12 God speaks of a cord of three strings is not quickly broken. I am so thankful for a God that has bonded David and I together and has held us both in the palms of His Hands. I write this in the midst of advirsity and as we are both in counseling with an amazing Woman of God who is helping us communicate better. The struggles we are facing are huge, and the world would say we should have given up by now, but we are not governed by this world, but by the Word of God. In time I will share more on this situation but the pain is real and deep and as a broken hurt woman I do not want to sin in my anger and my pain. I will say that God is truly the Ultimate Healer and the Ultimate protector of our life.
I am not trying to vague and I feel strongly about being open but the struggle to be vulnarble is one that is hard. If you read my posts from 3 years ago you will read about my personal persuit to accept the truth and be honest. It was a journey that took years to overcome, and still creeps up from the inner corners of my mind. I am now on the other side of the coin if you will. Call it Karma, call it payback call it what ever you want but its life. I would like to to call it the Divine will of God. The oppertunity that I have to have more compassion to another and patience to accept them when the trust has been broken. I truly believe we need to rejoice and hold true to James 1:2-4 because the struggles we find ourselves in and the abilty for God's light to shine through is a truely joyous occasion. I believe in this path has placed us on, and ask for prayers as God takes us to new heights. God has begun a new work in me and is seeing it to completion. Fasten your seatbelts and hang on because the ride is bumpy the outcome is unknown, but the journey has begun.

The Beginning...the vision

Well, I said beware. I guess I should let you in on a little secret. I have no clue where this blog is going to go or what will be discussed. I have known for years that I want to reach out to women. I feel without a shadow of a doubt that my life is meant for something bigger. I have clung to the promises I found through the bible to deal with the everyday pressures of life. I know we all have struggles and we all have our issues. However, we are made for so much more. I just took a moment to reread the last blog I wrote in August of 2008. Almost exactly 3 years ago although some things have changed but other things remain the same. My passion and heart for ministy and to let my life shine for God has only grown. Another thing that has changed is we have an inside dog, a 12 year old rescue beagle whom I love with my whole heart. I fought to get her and sometimes I fight to keep her.
Anyhow back to the subject that draws me into writing public ally after 3 years. I have come to believe and trust in the fact that I am really fearfully and wonderfully made. I believe also that God knows the temptations and pressure that I feel and helps me stand up against it. I am told often that I am a strong woman, however, I feel so weak everyday. I wake up and pray for the strength to get through one day at a time. Plus, I cry out to God and my mom that about how I am not going to make it and the strength isn't there anymore. I hold true to Romans 8:28 "that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to His plan". See the reason I hold onto that verse is yes the obvious that God is working things out to be good. See to me that doesn't mean that I will be happy, or even that I will consider the outcome "good" at that moment. I am a very emotional person. Anyone who has been with me for more than lets say a minute would agree to that statement. I often times lead with my emotions and have a hard time getting my mind and my heart to line up. With that verse though I know that God has a plan.....a purpose and the good that comes in a situation is part of that plan...His plan. I am also a very analytical person who thinks and rethinks a situation. I often times have plan A, plan B, and a back up to both of those in case something happens. I am learning and I struggle with the only plan that I need to know is Plan G...God's plan and His purpose.
So why blog....why after 3 years am I going to be drawn back to this site. Well, truthfully because Joyce Meyers, Women of Faith, Beth Moore, all those wonderful women that I love to listen to and that inspire me have not shown up and my door and asked me to join them in their "crusade", in their path. Now you may be laughing a little at that statement but the truth is I keep waiting for that big moment. The moment when God sends the Dove to land on my shoulder so I will know that the time has come. The opportunity that comes that will lead me out of my "professional" job and into what I dream of and that my heart longs for. However, after listening to a just a little blurb of a biblical teacher the other day, whom I can't even remember the name of as I was just flipping through channels, she spoke of Ester and it clicked. I need to be obedient now, I need to share now. If I truly feel like I am made to share what I have been through and am going through then I need to do it now, to the women and people I know now. The women whom have made a difference in my life and I love. How many limits have I put on God and myself to say that I can't touch anyone. If my life can help anyone even 1 come to know the overwhelming peace that comes from God then it will have been worth the time and effort. You see I don't own a computer and I can only blog when I have access to this site at a friend or family members house. However, I want to see what God can do and what comes through obediance. I long to give Glory to God for all I have gone through and will go through. I believe as women we often times think of ourselves last and deal with an undescribable amount of pain that comes from lies and misconceptions. We often times resort back to those grammar school days of jealousy and tearing each other apart instead of building up one another.
I am taking a small step of faith and want to share my life with you. I want to invite you in past the empty smile, and awkward silence. I invite you to have a cup of tea and let me share with you about what wonders the Lord has done and will do. I had an amazing friend in college who in more times than I can ever count we would sit and talked about the Lord. At that point in my life, I wasn't at a place where I could open up my heart truly to someone, but she taught me so much about being a friend and being honest. So I bring you back to the couch at Owen Hall and say I am ready to share....

Wow. After 3 years and many miles I am back trying to find my way into this ever public/private world. I have come to believe ever stronger than before that my life is God's. I want to honor God in all I do. It is the very core of me. I struggle with the wants of this world and the inner desires/inner longings of my soul. The part deep down where I know God is speaking to me. I am trying to obey and become the open vulnerable person I know God has made me to be. I want to lead the life he has for me, and ask anyone out in blog land to be patient and get ready to watch as new doors open and my life becomes lost as His light shines through. No there is no crazy actions going to be done, and I don't believe I have totally lost reality. I just am tired of saying I want to do full-time ministry and minister to women when I know my life is a living testimony to the power of God. The strength that we have to make it when the world tells you other wise. Be prepared